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Chapter Thirteen: "Frenemy"

5/28/2016

A stranger will sometimes tell you things how it is easier than a friend.

I learned this the hard way. She came to me at a time when Myspace was just fading away and Facebook had become a thing. I had just destroyed a marriage and all I could think of was how to avoid any more disasters.

I didn't want to socialize, I didn't want to go out. I became a shut-in, or at least, more than I already was. Then I would stumble upon chat-rooms to talk to strangers--this became a thing.

So after talking to her for a while I ended up adding her on Facebook. We got to talking more on a daily basis, about the most random things. But it felt good.

It felt...better. I--felt better.

Then I got too caught up in my own disaster. All of a sudden, it all became about "my" problems. Not anyone else's. I was being selfish.

She didn't like that. I mean, not that I blame her. All I wanted was for her to save me. To help me get unstuck from the rough patch I was in. But all I did was complain, and not work to get it better.

Then my selfishness caught up with her and she wanted nothing to do with me.

Our last discussion almost felt like a fight any other couple would have.

It hurt as if it had been, also.

That was the last I heard from her.

Chapter Twelve: "Poison"

5/27/2016

Do you want to know what it feels like to ruin a marriage? To be the catalyst of a divorce and to ruin a family? I did not want to, but years ago, I found out just how.

And today, you're about to.

This isn't one of my proudest moments. And I do not think I will ever atone for this mistake.

They say every rose has its thorns, but what they never tell you is that sometimes, those thorns have poison, and if you aren't careful enough, you might end up getting an infection.

I'm not going to sit here and write out that the blame is all hers, because it is not. After the Denver fiasco, I met this woman. No, not a girl, a woman. And I thought nothing much of it at first, but like always, there is more to the story.

We met at work and what I thought would end up in friendship, ended up in disaster. I knew she had some interest in me; I must have been giving off some kind of aura that attracted her towards me, because as far as I knew, I was still in recovery and wanted no part of any kind of relationship. If anything, I was a desperate broken boy looking to hold on to the first person to offer comfort.

And she fit the bill.

What started with little paper poems in secret notes suddenly started turning, evolving. Vicious escapades during breaks and lunches at work to fulfill the taste, the hunger for sin suddenly evolved into secret chats and unholy pleasures of the flesh.

Like I said before, this isn't one of my proudest moments.

I knew she was married, I knew she had kids. I didn't seem to care. We grew to learn more about each other, about our inner demons, and we thought we danced together just fine. That they got along and we even thought about how stupid the idea of being together in a relationship would be. Let alone to entertain the thought, so instead, we indulged. We did the dance, and when all was said and done, she had to resign from her job, co-workers never saw me the same way again, her husband left her, and she lost custody of her kids.

Now, I am not saying that I caused all this, the fact of the matter is that "we" caused this. It takes two to tango, and sometimes, the dance ends up in disaster.

After this, I realized she was more poison to my veins than wisdom to my heart.

We parted ways and I never heard from her again, for I am sure she wouldn't have wanted to share anyway.

For this one, I know, I'll pay dearly one day.

Chapter Eleven: "Addiction"

5/27/2016

If there’s a woman in my life that I will never forget, is this one. Not because I can't or am unable to, but because I do not want to.

She's the memory that hurts, the memory that ignites, the memory that will be with me until the very moment when I die.

How do I cram nine years of history into one chapter?

Impossible.

***To be Continued***

Chapter Ten: "Coffee Girl"

5/27/2016

I just couldn’t stop the search; the search for something to fill my heart in all the right corners of the world. Perhaps it was the wrong time, or the wrong place. I know one thing for sure though, this one is a haze.

Maybe I was too much of a romantic, a hopeless romantic at that... One thing was for sure, this chapter is a short one, because all I have from this one is small images that are slowly fading away.

I remember she worked at an underground cafeteria at the college, and yes, this was while I was still in Denver. I can't recall her name, but she managed a small cafe and it seemed like she was a nice girl. My biggest excuse to drink coffee was to see if I managed to grow up some balls and ask her out.

This never happened. I only remember sitting down having small-second chats with her as she prepared my drink.

It was like a bad romantic comedy where the romance was missing and the comedy, well, it wasn't that funny.

My pathetic attempts at asking her out left me with nothing but the coffee's aftertaste. I would leave the cafe and go to class. Then I stopped going to class. Then I stopped drinking coffee.

Then I never saw her again.

If anything, she was a good ear to my troubles. She offered advice when needed, and she put up with me, although I am most certain she had plenty customers as myself.

Maybe after all, all I needed from her was an ear to my troubles.

And troubles were brewing just as the coffee was poured on my cup, slowly overflowing and dripping off.

Chapter Nine: "A Buddy"

5/27/2016

Denver wasn't done with me yet. Not by a long shot. Entering a new college, knowing no one reminded me of when I first moved to Wyoming. It was like high school all over again. I sat alone at a table in the cafeteria, trying to fill that void by stuffing my face with food. It was lunch hour at the Regency student housing. I sat there--alone. A few minutes passed and all of a sudden, I overheard someone behind me asking me if anyone was sitting at the table with me. At first sight, I thought nothing of it. I remember I didn't even look her in the eye when I responded, "no, just me." I had been minding my own business, eating alone at a table when she approached me. She sat next to me, which kind of made me nervous, but also helped avoid eye contact. Off my peripheral I could study her features; she had her hair in a ponytail, was wearing what looked like gym clothes, and looked like she had just worked out. We made small talk, I almost didn't pay attention to her, for I was too focused on wanting to be alone again. I remember she told me her name and had said she went to a school somewhere in Aurora and just gotten out of softball practice.

Small little details is all I have from her now. After small talk was done, she stood up, punched me on the shoulder and smiled, leaving saying she hoped to see me again. The next time I saw her, I barely recognized her; I realized then that the first time I wasn't concerned on paying attention to her because of how she looked. The second time I saw her it seemed like she was a completely different person. A simple punch to my shoulder startled me, but that wasn’t the only thing that startled me because as I turned around to see who punched me, I realized she was standing there, green top, her hair straightened down, her eyes a lot clearer than before, and a smile that took me by surprise. She said my name and asked how I was. Unbeknownst to her, I was not okay, not in the slightest. But that didn't matter, so I didn't tell her. I smiled back and chatted a bit before someone from two tables over called her over. She punched me on the shoulder again, said goodbye, and walked away. This was one of those slow-motion moments again; I stood there transfixed by her appearance as I saw her walk over to the table, sit down and laugh at their jokes. To this day I still struggle to understand the reason why she walked into my life, only to disappear so suddenly, and never to be heard from again. No matter how hard I looked for her, I never found her.

All I had was a first name...that got me nowhere.

She was definitely, the one that got away. The major "what if?" The question that I'll never know the answer to.

Chapter Eight: "The Tutor"

5/14/2016

Denver had eyes on me since the first day I set foot on The Regency, the student housing, but those eyes were hidden from me.

With a scholarship to an Art School I thought I had everything made. That I would have the time of my life.

Did I?

The campus was pure greatness; you could taste the creation, the freedom, the artsy stuff all around. It was perfect.

But with everything there is always a struggle, otherwise it would be easy, and nobody ever told me it would be.

Sooner than later working full time and balancing school got the better of me. So I reached out for help.

I didn't know what else to do.

There was this young soul walking around campus helping other students, building character, but if there was something else entirely she reminded me off, it was her appearance, and what image it created in my mind.

Something other than what was real and in front of me.

She had reminded me so much of Untouchable that I felt like I was stuck in déjàvu; I kept seeing her every time I spoke to her. My brain was confused; it was like a bad trip, like being stuck in between waking up from a dream--just laying in bed confused.

I had carried a photograph in my wallet, one that I had buried in boxes when I moved, only because I had been angry at Untouchable and wanted to forget her. But I knew that meeting The Tutor had to be for a reason; perhaps it was to help me forget Untouchable...by her helping me forget.

So I started e-mailing her to see if I could meet up; a week went by and finally we set a date, so I met her at this underground coffee place in campus and we talked.

All throughout our conversation I could still see Untouchable sitting right in front of me, I couldn't shake her image, and it bugged the hell out of me. So after struggling to get my bearings I finally pulled off the photograph from my wallet and gave it to The Tutor.

I asked her to please rid of it; I was too weak to do it myself. So I stood up and walked away.

"Thank you," I had told her.

And then...well, I never saw her after that.

Neither of them.

Chapter Seven: "The Trigger"

5/12/2016

"He's not ready."
"You're not ready."
"She was right."

Only a few know this story.

Only a handful know the details.

Only the ones know the truth.

Chapter Six: "Just Friends, Part II"

5/12/2016

I had one year left in me at that high school at the time; I had made new friends, and to my surprise, had noticed I’ve gotten a new neighbor as well. Directly behind my house, in front of the town park, was a house, in it a family with kids and one visitor. This visitor which came to live in that house was a girl; not like any other, mind you, she was different, she was tough, she could stand up on her own two feet and face any trouble that came her way.

She had character; she was built for this tough world. She became my friend and we had a good year of friendship, but of course, there are always ups and downs in every friendship. Eventually I let my feelings get the best of me and I kept telling myself that I had fallen for her.

We hung out a lot together, for it was a small town and we had nothing but time and absolutely nothing to do. Slowly but surely we got to know each other better, we cracked jokes, we hung out during recess as well. She had my back and it felt good to trust in her.

But time moved passed and I had missed what I thought was an opportunity; what I had missed however was that her intentions with me were always to just be friends.

At a later moment, she found someone else and eventually got together with him. To me, he was everything I wasn’t…and better. I kept telling myself that eventually she would dump him and move on to be with me, but I was blind to the fact that it would never happen.

When the year was gone and over with, I was moving out to go to another place. College was right out the door and my memories of her would be left behind, as would our friendship.

She remained in town and after years had passed, I would rarely visit, and even though we weren't as close anymore, I would run into her and all I could think of was the memories.

The good. The bad.

She had been a really good friend to me; stood up for me when I was picked on, cracked jokes at my expense but never to hurt me, and her laugh would always lift my spirit.

But we all have to move on, even from the good memories, because sometimes, a good memory can be more damaging than a bad one.

Chapter Five: "Dangerous Game"

5/12/2016

Your first kiss: you really have no clue of what you are doing. During that same school year as mentioned on the previous chapter, I had met another girl, one that kept my mind at bay, held me back from the worry that the heartbreak with the girl before her had caused. I had met her through a friend, one that I held dear, because he understood me, and always cared about me more than anyone else in that school did.

It wasn’t fair what I did to him, because I knew that he liked her, and instead of backing off, I chose to proceed, and eventually caused her to fall for me, while I “fell” for her. I was stuck in a triangle which I wanted to escape from, and yet, chose to stay in.

She was nice to both of us, and to this day I never really knew or understood to which of us two her heart really belonged to. I had grown to like her even more as we had our small guitar lessons hidden by the music hall, exchanging guitar picks by using our lips.

I was seventeen when I had my first kiss. I kissed her lips and felt something that I thought was mine. It was something that belonged to me, despite the fact that it had been stolen. At the time I didn’t care because yet again, I let my feelings get in the way.

You see, I had turn this scenario into a cycle; a cycle that became a nightmare and a sad addiction. During the kisses and sweet happy days of me and this girl, I hurt my best friend and turned him against me. Not only that, but eventually I broke the triangle that had seem to be part of our friendship, eventually destroying any friendship and completely obliterating any trust that we had for one another.

We all parted ways and the storm brewed on the horizon once more, as I started to realize that this first "Love Triangle" would only be the first of many.

History was about to repeat itself.

And history is never pretty.

Chapter Four: "Untouchable"

5/12/2016

Prom. We all had that moment in life pass us by, although most of us probably chose to attend prom. I could have missed going, but out of pure dumb luck I was given two free tickets, and with a little help from a friend, ended up going.

I had turned sixteen when I laid eyes upon another beauty; she seemed to be the living reminder of my first crush. I always thought that certain things happened for a reason, and me falling for her was just one of those moments, except, the reason wasn’t for my benefit. It was just a mere lesson to teach me something. Something I needed to know at that point in my life. Something I chose to ignore.

My friendship with this girl could’ve gone better but because I was so selfish and careless, I chose to push it and ended up scaring her. She didn’t understand why I would give her gifts, why I would always stare at her in class, or why I chose to give her a note on Valentine’s Day to ask her to be together with me.

I hadn’t even talked to her…. or held a full conversation with her since the school year started. How was she supposed to react to my note? Exactly the way she did. It was then that I realized that I was doing something wrong, but still chose to ignore the fact that it was happening slowly, but steady. I had left myself out in the cold to freeze to death, while the storm was brewing. Safe to say, I saw the storm coming, but instead of taking refuge, I chose to face it…blindly.

I went through another "heartbreak," not because she denied my note, but because of what I had done to myself. I was causing the heartbreak that had befallen me. I had chosen to fool myself into thinking she was something I could attain—like a prize.

So I went to prom and decided to once more try my hand at "winning" her. I was so misguided and blinded by my actions that I had missed the fact she feared me. She was taken aback by the things I did and I didn't even cared. I was still young and naive. And stupid.

I ridiculed myself looking for her on the dance floor at prom, and realized when she saw me and ran how scary I must have seemed to her. In her eyes I was a monster. Lurking around trying to get at her.

Eventually what "lust" I had in my heart for her quickly turned into hatred; every time that I saw her from that moment on would only fill my heart with hate towards her. I hated seeing her. I hated when she was around. I hated watching other guys talk to her. I hated her very existence.

And I let this poison me, inside out, like a bad pill slowly destroying my body and turning my mind to mush.

So I went to a dark place in my head; this burned time around me and eventually I didn't see her for years. Then one night when I was at my lowest, she reached out. She helped me fight what was eating at me, and we made peace.

We found a common ground and we talked for hours. She helped me realize what it had been for her back in high school with me around. What she felt back then, and what she felt now. She understood my anger, my pain, and offered help.

I listened.

But I wasn't hearing what she was saying to me, not really. Sure, we made a truce, and everything seemed happy-go-lucky. But I knew deep inside that I had been misguided by my own hand.

This game of cat and mouse I had inside my head would continue on, later and later, like a bad movie stuck on repeat.

This was just the beginning...

...because as I had ended my conversation with her, I was smack right in the middle of a similar situation.

One that would change my life.

Forever.

Writer/Artist

My name is Francisco, you can call me Zisco.

Endings are hard, but in reality, nothing ever ends, does it?

I'm not perfect, I'm just a human being. I make mistakes and I try to redeem myself. Life ain't easy, but I manage. I like to help people with their problems, but when they are too much for me to handle, I much rather not. I'm a great listener, but there are things I believe are better handled on your own.

Check out my Deviantart website at: http://p1ls3n3r.deviantart.com/
And while you are at it, check out my YouTube channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/ziscokid88?feature=mhee

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