I had turned sixteen when I laid eyes upon another beauty; she seemed to be the living reminder of my first crush. I always thought that certain things happened for a reason, and me falling for her was just one of those moments, except, the reason wasn’t for my benefit. It was just a mere lesson to teach me something. Something I needed to know at that point in my life. Something I chose to ignore.
My friendship with this girl could’ve gone better but because I was so selfish and careless, I chose to push it and ended up scaring her. She didn’t understand why I would give her gifts, why I would always stare at her in class, or why I chose to give her a note on Valentine’s Day to ask her to be together with me.
I hadn’t even talked to her…. or held a full conversation with her since the school year started. How was she supposed to react to my note? Exactly the way she did. It was then that I realized that I was doing something wrong, but still chose to ignore the fact that it was happening slowly, but steady. I had left myself out in the cold to freeze to death, while the storm was brewing. Safe to say, I saw the storm coming, but instead of taking refuge, I chose to face it…blindly.
I went through another "heartbreak," not because she denied my note, but because of what I had done to myself. I was causing the heartbreak that had befallen me. I had chosen to fool myself into thinking she was something I could attain—like a prize.
So I went to prom and decided to once more try my hand at "winning" her. I was so misguided and blinded by my actions that I had missed the fact she feared me. She was taken aback by the things I did and I didn't even cared. I was still young and naive. And stupid.
I ridiculed myself looking for her on the dance floor at prom, and realized when she saw me and ran how scary I must have seemed to her. In her eyes I was a monster. Lurking around trying to get at her.
Eventually what "lust" I had in my heart for her quickly turned into hatred; every time that I saw her from that moment on would only fill my heart with hate towards her. I hated seeing her. I hated when she was around. I hated watching other guys talk to her. I hated her very existence.
And I let this poison me, inside out, like a bad pill slowly destroying my body and turning my mind to mush.
So I went to a dark place in my head; this burned time around me and eventually I didn't see her for years. Then one night when I was at my lowest, she reached out. She helped me fight what was eating at me, and we made peace.
We found a common ground and we talked for hours. She helped me realize what it had been for her back in high school with me around. What she felt back then, and what she felt now. She understood my anger, my pain, and offered help.
But I wasn't hearing what she was saying to me, not really. Sure, we made a truce, and everything seemed happy-go-lucky. But I knew deep inside that I had been misguided by my own hand.
This game of cat and mouse I had inside my head would continue on, later and later, like a bad movie stuck on repeat.
This was just the beginning...
...because as I had ended my conversation with her, I was smack right in the middle of a similar situation.
One that would change my life.