There's Only A Few I Trust
"Family Don't End In Blood, But It Doesn't Start There Either"
I'm the kind of guy that doesn't let people in. I have talked about trust in previous posts, so there will be some stuff on here that might sound familiar, but basically what I want to write about on here is not trust itself, but about those who I trust and those who I don't.
It's going to be very difficult to make any sense of why this is how my trust on people works, but I am at a point in my life when that's just how it is.
I used to trust anybody, maybe because I was young but also because I was naive, but most importantly, because I hadn't fully comprehended the consequences that came with trusting somebody.
Sometimes these consequences can hurt you. Sometimes, they can destroy everything in your life.
I'm the kind of individual that chooses wisely who he lets in. Trust is something you earn, not something that is given freely. There is huge variation and distinction between someone who I value as a trusted individual, and someone who I much rather avoid.
It is difficult to explain trust not only because it is something complex, but also because it is a huge make-or-break moment that an individual I choose to let in must face.
Sometimes, if chosen unwisely, the consequences that follow, follow like a domino effect. Unrelenting chaos and unintended but random consequences one cannot prepare for or even, at times, avoid.
In order for me to choose who I trust--who I let in--I must first converse within myself; I must push and probe until a legitimate answer is given, until a concrete response is presented, and one that I can agree on.
I must admit, I have made mistakes before; I have wrongfully chosen certain individuals and those individuals have acted out in a way that not only dismantled said trust, but has set me ablaze as well.
It is of utmost importance that I now realize I can no longer choose how I used to choose. It is highly important that I create a different plan to bring forth a worthy conclusion.
My family isn't perfect. It isn't picture perfect. It isn't complete. It isn't intact. My family has been torn. Has been divided. Has been tested. Has been separated. Has seen struggle. Has seen faith. Has been broken.
My family. My family does not mean to me what it meant to me as a child. My family has evolved. My family has turned. My family has changed.
My definition of family used to be Mother, Father, Brother. Then Grandparents and Uncles and Aunts. It used to...but no longer is.
My definition of family no longer involves all those individuals. My definition of family now includes friends. My definition of family now includes my enemies. My definition of family now includes those who I trust. Those who I don't.
Most importantly, it includes those who understand me for who I truly am.
Tied To Family
My family is still imperfect. It cannot be textbook flawless. It will feel incomplete. It is damaged. My family is composed of individuals who have been dismantled. Will continue to be tested. Will often separate, watch each other struggle. Lose faith and break trust.
My family. My family is not what one would imagine a child could have. My family is constantly evolving. My family is constantly turning and changing.
My definition of family now includes Friend, Companion, Betrayer, Chapter, Lover, Partner, Enemy. And yes, I include my enemies because they are part of who I have become. Those whose indiscretions against me have brought light into my field of vision, rather than impairing it. My definition of family is often divided by who I trust and who I do not.
But above all, it includes the ones who can tell the difference. Whether I allow them to see, or not.