Random Thoughts - Thoughts

Drunk and...

2/18/2026

Drunk and lonely,
crying in the snow,
drunk and lonely,
the city blinking like it doesn’t know my name.
Everything I carried slipped--
from river to storm--
and I couldn’t hold myself together
long enough to stay dry.
They said the shoes were wrong.
They said I’d had too much.
By the third door
I knew I didn’t belong anywhere
that required standing still
and pretending I was fine.
My phone hums in my bag.
A small mercy.
Someone is coming.
Someone asked if I need anything--
as if needing is allowed,
as if wanting doesn’t make me fragile.
All I need right now is them.
And I’m sorry I got quiet again.
All I need right now is my friends,
or a hand on my shoulder,
or someone who doesn’t flinch
when I start to disappear.
The night guard looked past me.
I tried to explain,
but when the loneliness comes
it’s like the lights shut off inside.
I hate it when it gets dark inside.
I hate how fast I believe
I deserve it.
So all I need right now is my friends
who will love me
when I’m sad again,
when I’m heavy again,
when I don’t know how to ask
without apologizing.
I was smiling earlier--
I think.
I remember warmth,
I remember laughter in my mouth,
and then the cold turned sharp
and the wanting showed its teeth.
My phone hums again.
They’re on their way.
Suddenly the night loosens its grip.
Someone is thinking of me
at a bright corner store
that never sleeps.
All I wanted was to waste a little time,
spend a little money,
lean into someone
and let the world blur safely.
Instead I’m here,
drunk and lonely,
a girl folded into herself,
waiting for the moment
someone arrives
and the dark finally backs off.

Black Lace Inventory

2/13/2026

CASS:
You say it’s for my own good
when your hands are already in my drawers,
deciding which version of me
is allowed to exist this week.
You hate the black lipstick--
say it makes me look dangerous,
like grief learned how to smile.
You call my clothes costumes.
DOC:
Don’t answer back.
Keep the peace.
We can get through this if you stay quiet.
CASS:
Like this isn’t my skin
I’m stitching myself into every morning
just to survive you.
I came home once
and my room was lighter.
Emptier.
Like a funeral with no body.
My boots—gone.
My necklaces—gone.
HAPPY:
Inventory missing:
lace choker, black nail polish, knee-high socks,
Last seen on the dresser.
Removed by mother.
Emotional impact: significant.
CASS:
You said you were scared of me.
T:
That’s The Moment.
Lock It In.
That’s Where We Step Forward.
CASS:
Do you know what that does
to hear your own mother say
“you frighten me”
like you’re something feral
she accidentally raised?
DOC:
Don’t cry.
Crying escalates it.
I’ll take this one.
CASS:
I swallowed that sentence whole
and it didn’t stay one piece.
That’s how it started.
Not rebellion.
Not attitude.
Fragmentation.
When you screamed, T took the front.
When you threw my things away, Happy remembered
so I wouldn’t have to.
When you said “this isn’t you—”
HAPPY:
Correction:
this is not only her.
CASS:
—you were right.
There was never just one of me.
T:
I Hold The Anger.
I Speak In Teeth.
She Shouldn’t Have To.
DOC:
I manage damage.
I smooth the edges.
I keep us breathing.
HAPPY:
I keep the record.
Every loss.
Every denial.
CASS:
This isn’t moodiness.
This isn’t a phase.
This is Dissociative Identity Disorder--
built carefully, methodically,
out of fear and necessity.
THE SYSTEM:
We did this to live.
CASS:
And me--
the one speaking to you now--
SEKER:
Let her talk.
She’s been awake the whole time.
CASS:
I am the one inside
who never mistook this body for home.
The one who knows exactly who she is
even while living behind voices
that the world hears as something else.
They are men.
They move this body for me.
They shield me.
They argue with you so I don’t have to.
T:
We Front Because She Deserves To Stay Intact.
CASS:
This body answers to a name I never chose.
It is read in a way that was decided without me--
another assignment,
just like the clothes you approved
and the silence you demanded.
So when you tried to control my hair,
my voice,
my reflection--
T:
You Weren’t Correcting Her.
You Were Provoking Us.
CASS:
—you weren’t fixing anything.
You were tightening the walls
around a woman already surviving
inside a system of men
who learned how to keep her alive.
You say you don’t recognize me now.
HAPPY:
She never recognized the system.
CASS:
Here’s what you don’t get to rewrite:
I am not your fear.
I am not your failure.
I am not something you get to erase
because I made you uncomfortable.
DOC:
We kept her safe long enough
for this moment.
SEKER:
She sees clearly now.
CASS:
I don’t need your permission to exist.
I don’t need your approval to speak.
I don’t need to make myself smaller
so you feel less afraid.
T:
You Don’t Get To Be Scared
Of What You Made Necessary.
CASS:
So keep your version of me--
the quiet one,
the obedient one,
the girl who disappeared to keep the peace.
She’s gone.
HAPPY:
Final update:
we are done apologizing.
CASS:
I am still here.
I know exactly who I am.
And this time--
THE SYSTEM:
we are not surviving you.
we are standing between you
and Cass.

CASS:
You say it’s for my own good, and I believe you meant it.
Your hands moved through my drawers like you were searching
for a version of me that would be safe in a world you knew could be cruel.
You hated the black lipstick—said it made me look dangerous.
I think you were afraid the world would be unkind to someone
who wore grief so openly.
You called my clothes costumes because you didn’t yet know
they were armor.
DOC:
Easy. She was trying to protect what she loved.
We can hold that truth too.
CASS:
I came home once and my room was lighter.
Emptier.
Like a prayer spoken too late.
My boots—gone. My necklaces—gone.
You thought you were clearing danger.
You didn’t know you were clearing pieces of me.
HAPPY:
Inventory noted.
Items removed with fear, not malice.
Emotional impact: lasting—but not unlovable.
CASS:
You said you were scared of me.
And I know now—you were scared for me.
T:
That’s The Moment.
That’s Where We Learned What Fear Sounds Like When It Loves.
CASS:
Do you know what it does to hear your own mother say
“I’m afraid,”
and realize she’s standing between love and not knowing how to show it?
DOC:
It wasn’t rejection.
It was overwhelm.
CASS:
I swallowed that sentence whole,
and it fractured.
Not into rebellion.
Into survival.
When voices rose, T stepped forward.
When memories were too sharp, Happy held them gently.
When everything felt like it might collapse,
Doc kept us breathing.
HAPPY:
Correction: this was not abandonment.
This was adaptation.
CASS:
When you said, “this isn’t you,”
you were wrong--
and also reaching.
Trying to find the child you knew inside the woman you didn’t yet understand.
T:
We Didn’t Rise Against Her.
We Rose Around You.
DOC:
We didn’t come from hatred.
We came from love under pressure.
HAPPY:
Every loss recorded.
Every intention noted.
CASS:
This isn’t moodiness.
This isn’t a phase.
This is Dissociative Identity Disorder--
built carefully, not out of spite,
but out of the need to stay connected to love
without being crushed by it.
THE SYSTEM:
We did this to live and to keep loving.
CASS:
And me—the one speaking now--
SEKER:
Let her speak.
She’s learned how to hold grace without disappearing.
CASS:
I am the one who watched us all grow.
The one who knows who she is
even when the world struggled to read her correctly.
They are men.
They moved this body when I was tired.
They argued so I wouldn’t have to break.
They stood between me and pain
until I could stand myself.
T:
We Fronted So She Could Stay Soft.
CASS:
This body answered to a name chosen before I had words.
It was read in ways decided long before I understood myself.
You followed the rules you were given.
So did I.
When you tried to guide my hair, my voice, my reflection--
you weren’t trying to erase me.
You were trying to recognize me.
T:
You Weren’t Attacking Her.
You Were Reaching Without A Map.
CASS:
You say you don’t recognize me now.
But I see pieces of you in every way I learned to survive,
to love carefully,
to protect what matters.
HAPPY:
She always recognized the effort.
CASS:
Here’s what I know now:
I am not your fear.
You are not my enemy.
We were two people loving each other
with different languages
and the same intensity.
DOC:
We kept her safe
long enough for understanding to grow.
SEKER:
She sees the whole picture now.
CASS:
I don’t need permission to exist--
but I no longer need opposition either.
I don’t need to shrink,
and you don’t need to be afraid.
T:
Fear Was Never The Villain.
CASS:
So keep the memories where we tried our best.
The quiet girl.
The worried mother.
The love that didn’t know how to speak yet.
They’re not gone.
They’ve grown.
HAPPY:
Final update: forgiveness is active.
CASS:
I am still here.
I know exactly who I am.
And this time--
THE SYSTEM:
we are not standing against you.
we are standing with Cass.

Bad Things

2/11/2026

[Z and Cass]

Am I out of my head?
Am I out of my mind?
If you only knew the bad things I like
Don't think that I can explain it
What can I say? It's complicated
Don't matter what you say
Don't matter what you do
I only wanna do bad things to you
So good (so good), that you can't explain it
What can I say? It's complicated (ayy)
Nothing's that bad (that bad)
If it feels good (feels good)
So you come back (come back)
Like I knew you would (knew you would)
And we're both wild (both wild)
And the night's young (night's young)
And you're my drug
Breathe you in 'til my face numb
Drop it down to that bass drum
I got what you dream 'bout
Nails scratchin' my back tatt
Eyes closed while you scream out
And you keep me in with those hips
While my teeth sink in those lips (yeah)
While your body's giving me life
And you suffocate in my kiss
Then you said
I want you forever (ayy)
Even when we're not together (ayy)
Scars on my body so I can take you wherever, like (ayy)
I want you forever (ayy)
Even when we're not together
Scars on my body I can look at you whenever, uh (yeah)
Am I out of my head?
Am I out of my mind?
If you only knew the bad things I like
Don't think that I can explain it
What can I say? It's complicated
Don't matter what you say
Don't matter what you do
I only wanna do bad things to you
So good, that you can't explain it
What can I say? It's complicated (damn)
I can't explain it (ayy ayy, can't explain it)
I love the pain (love the pain)
And I love the way your breath
Numbs me like Novocaine
And we are (ooh)
Always high
Keep it strange
Okay, yeah, I'm insane
But you the same
Let me paint the picture, uh (yeah)
Couch by the kitchen, ayy (yeah)
Nothin' but your heels on
Losin' our religion (mmh)
You're my pretty little vixen
And I'm the voice inside your head
That keeps telling you to listen to all the bad things I say
And you said
I want you forever (ayy)
Even when we're not together (ayy, we're not together, yeah)
Scars on my body so I can take you wherever, like (ayy)
I want you forever (ayy)
Even when we're not together (oh, whoa)
Scars on my body I can look at you whenever, uh (yeah)
Am I out of my head?
Am I out of my mind?
If you only knew the bad things I like
Don't think that I can explain it
What can I say? It's complicated
Don't matter what you say
Don't matter what you do (yeah)
I only wanna do bad things to you
So good, that you can't explain it
What can I say? It's complicated
The way we love is so unique (ayy, ayy)
And when we touch, I'm shivering
And no one has to get it
Just you and me (right)
'Cause we're just living
Between the sheets (you said)
I want you forever (ayy)
Even when we're not together (ayy, yeah)
Scars on my body so I can take you wherever, like
I want you forever (ayy)
Even when we're not together (real talk) (oh, whoa)
Scars on my body I can look at you whenever, uh (yeah, oh, baby)
Am I out of my head?
Am I out of my mind? (Am I?)
If you only knew the bad things I like (if you only knew)
Don't think that I can explain it (yeah)
What can I say? It's complicated (yeah)
Don't matter what you say
Don't matter what you do (do, do)
I only wanna do bad things to you (yeah)
So good, that you can't explain it (so good, oh, baby)
What can I say? It's complicated

Book 1

12/22/2025

https://www.amazon.com/Fragments-Glass-Collective-Book-1-ebook/dp/B0GC34844D/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EPM07O4PYU3X&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.QRZyJntc34r2yybd7Qk6UqghD3A9YOgXLm9QBRfWBXiEefOcjE7vqxVLHU8VTxAsdAzRoDMJ4rgQ8AbVTza8YBS3cp-eBxtTnuuVpSp5ycqBIb8V__h0j1E2_LdKGO67SY4ahnWVRcK_Oc06zBxdHiBD6AzDaW1-iQ-VWNsp1fW-WGg5eHs0YdMryMjEiFZnHP-WH2_3ROI8AVChTzJ9C4yjQRdqypi6ZJ28aPPo-ls.p4B7advPdQ7jTfctzcz-4I6LtD7l3wUTgms8ZeOKbnU&dib_tag=se&keywords=fragments+in+the+glass&qid=1767938726&sprefix=fragments+in+the+glas%2Caps%2C188&sr=8-1

A Perfectly Messed Up Day

10/17/2025

I don't do well when dealing with positivity,
and I,
don't exactly enjoy the attitude that life is rainbow and butterflies,
For me the world is full of misery, layers of hostility,
Most don't wake up to face the music,
they'll steal yours before you choose it.

To me it just ain't working fine,
can we find another way?
Another time?
We keep undermining a perfectly good day,
it just ain't paying off, so why, can't we let go, and leave it all behind?
I guess at least we tried, some things are good in the world anyway.

I always thought that I would be the one who chose positivity,
but now I just live negatively, knowing there's a lack of common sense,
then the voices keep guiding my hand, those thoughts still in my head,
those thoughts still in my head.

It's still not working fine,
can we find another way?
Another time?
We keep undermining a perfectly good day,
it just ain't paying off, so why, can't we let go, and leave it all behind?
I guess at least we tried, some things are good in the world anyway.

Living in a world where everybody thinks they know everything,
I confess they still know nothing,
I go by the touch and the feels of the songs they sing,
I go by feel about pretty much behind the scenes.
It ain't working fine for me,
I'm just saying, that's how it is,
it ain't working fine for me,
just another perfectly messed up day.
A perfectly messed up day.

It's still not working fine,
can we find another way?
Another time?
We keep undermining a perfectly good day,
it just ain't paying off, so why, can't we let go, and leave it all behind?
I guess at least we tried, some things are good in the world anyway.

It just ain't paying off, so why, can't we let go, and leave it all behind?

I Quit Running

10/16/2025

He spent years in the shadow of his own undoing,
Feet always ready, heart never pursuing.
Trouble sang softly at the edge of each day,
But he’d lace up his shoes and just run away.
The echoes of questions, the weight of regret,
Like songs half-remembered he tried to forget.
His life was a rhythm of dodging the tune,
Afraid that the music would play out too soon.
But sunrise grows bolder as night starts to fade,
And silence, he found, is where courage is made.
One morning he stopped, with the world standing still,
And heard in his heart a new kind of thrill.
“Face the music,” they said, and he finally heard
The wisdom that trembled behind every word.
No longer a fugitive, no longer alone,
He danced with his problems, a life overgrown.
There, in the spotlight, he found he could bear
The notes that once haunted, now lighter than air.
For running brought distance but never relief,
While facing the music uncovered belief.

X Marks The Spot

10/9/2025

Come On,
Come All,
Shoot To Thrill,
Many Secrets To Spill.

Who Dare Ask The Right Questions?
I Am Open To Suggestions.

Do Not Be Scared, We Do Not Bite.
Care To Find Out More?
Ask Away And You Just Might.

X Marks The Spot,
El Lo Sabe,
Xavier's His Name,
El Tiene La Clave,
Like Moth To Flame,
Nada Grave,
No Te Preocupes,
Solo Hay Momentos Agradables.

Arte de:
Marvel Knights: Ghost Rider #2 of #6 - Clayton Crain
Fallen Angel Wings - SwarzezTier on deviantart

New Writing: Sneak Peek

10/7/2025

Life Update:

been working on a few short stories and a couple books. Follow the tab "Fiction" below the "Thoughts" Main Menu tab for some sneak peeks!

Sober

10/4/2025

"I am blooming from the wound I once bled." - Rune Lazuli.

C is for Contaminated

You wanted to get to know me,
that's why you memorized the hallway in my brain,
I knew before you told me to get right,
and you took my existence for granted,
and you threw me out like I threw out your family.
Almost like you planned it in one day.

I hated the way you said it,
told me those mean words that day,
Maybe I'd believe you if you'd let me stay,
But I didn't like the way you did it,
Nah, didn't like the way you shoved me,
led me astray.
So I left for years, went my own way,

And I wish I could've changed it,
so We wouldn't remain contaminated,
and oh, I know what you need,
starting to let me go,
being together We're stained.

You said the world was against Us,
I told you, "you care too much what they say, Z"
You said, "do me a favor and trust my word"
Cuz you promised then and now again,
You said, "Cass let me prove it, look at the world instead,
my word is bond, just trust me, Sis"

And I wish I could've changed it,
so We wouldn't remain contaminated,
and oh, you know what I need,
starting to let you go,
being together We're stained.

And I wish I could've changed it,
so We wouldn't remain contaminated,
and oh, I know what you need,
starting to let me go,
being together We're stained.

And I wish I could change it
And We're always gonna be contaminated
And oh, I know what We need
You start letting me go
Cuz being together We're contaminated.

art by Nanda Corrêa

Guillotine

9/30/2025

Start Over,
But Stay Closer,
You're Now Sober,
Welcome Cassandra, It's October.

Come Lay,
Stay,
No Longer Prey,
No One Will Betray--

You Are Home;
Write Alongside Me
This Poem.

Will I be okay, T, is that true?

What Are You Afraid Of? Blue?

I've been here before, and you know what happened.

And Then Blue Saddened.

Because I break everything I touch.

You Feel You Are--

Too fucking much.

All You Have To Do... Is Stay.

Hearsay!

This Is Your Pathway,
Do Not Run Away.

Stay?

And Soon It Will Come,
Our Day.

Art by:
"Lady Justice" - Hamka Risha
"guillotine" - Taras

"The Collective©" -
A Vessel of Opportunity, circa 2011-Present and ongoing.

Welcome dear reader to my own Pandora's Box-- inside and outside The Aether. This is where fiction and reality clash as gods and monsters dance engulfed in long standing battles for power, control, and ultimately, peace amongst one another.

"Endings are hard, but in reality, nothing ever ends, does it?"

Check out my Deviantart website for my art at: http://p1ls3n3r.deviantart.com/

Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents on this site are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

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