Blog Posts - Random Thoughts

Bonnie And Clyde

6/29/2024

T:

Here We Stand,
Our Worlds Apart-- My Heart Broken In Two...Two...Two...

Sleepless Nights,
We've Lost Ground, No Longer Reaching For You.
YOU, YOU.

I Am Feeling That You Are Gone,
Could Not Change Your Mind...

You Could Not Go On To Survive--This Tide...
Our Love Divided

Someday It Will Find You
If You Broke The Chains That Bind You
One Day You Will Remind YOU
How We Loved Then Went Our Separate Ways.
If I Ever Hurt You,
Know My Love Never Deserted You.
You Know I'll Always Love You--
Then We Broke And Went Our Separate Ways.

Cass:

Fucked up times,
I'm caught between confusion and pain--pain--PAIN...

your distant eyes,
made promises and now in vain, vain, vain--
if you must go,
fuck you T, good luck,
you'll be alone,
good luck, my love,
miss you now--

T & Cass:

Someday love will find you
Break Those Chains That Bind You
One night I will remind you
How we touched and went our separate ways
If I Ever Hurt You
True love won't desert you
You Know I Still Love You
Though we touched and went our separate ways
Oh
I Still Love You, Cassandra
I still love you, T
I really love you, T
I Really Love You Queen
Oh
Oh...
One Day Love Will Find Us,
We'll Break The Chains That Bind Us.

One night will remind us,
how we touched but didn't go our separate ways.

No Longer Will I Hurt You,
Our Love Won't Desert You,
You Will Know I'll Always Love You.

Even If We Do Not Touch And Go Our Separate Ways.

Though we go our separate ways
Though we go our separate ways
Though we go our separate ways
Though we go our separate ways
Though we go our separate ways...

Memory

6/27/2024

Now

Z:

I don't want to live fast,
I need to slow down,
don't wanna get high, can she learn to come down>
Help is here now, We're runnin' on empty...
and We're turning into a memory.

She ain't the only one comin' unglued.
Emotions burning up, they start to shatter me--
Her bottles hidden even from herself, Pain runs her through.
Doin' everything I wish I could, agh--
She's by herself.
And everyone offers her help!
I know this ain't healthy.
So I'm looking for Them now.

Now

Cass:

I only live life fast, I know--
Should I slow down?
Just wanna get drunk, no way to come down
Fill my cup now, I'm running on empty
Shush or I'll make you a memory!
Living life fast, never gonna slow down,
always gonna be up high, no need to come down!
Need help now, Z? Running on empty?
Oof--you're gonna be a memory.

(Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh)

You're gonna be a memory

(Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh)

I'm tryinna find my beauty in the let down, goin' through my pain now,
trynna find values I never had to prove you wrong!
Imma pull your skin out of this husk,
puzzle pieces make a story that got checked out.
Wish it was--it is what is is--fuck what is was--no phase.
Nothing you can do, Z, nothing you can say.
I ain't runnin' from the, runnin' from the, runnin' from the pain,
I embrace it come what may,
(Come what may, come what may, come what may)

Now

Truth:

We Live Too Fast, Do Not Know When To Slow Down,
Some Get High, Some Do Not Know How To Come Down.

Help? Us? NOW? Too Little Too Empty--
We Will Live Forever As A Memory.

We Live Too Fast, Do Not Know When To Slow Down,
Some Get High, Some Do Not Know How To Come Down.

Help? Us? NOW? Too Little Too Empty--
We Will Live Forever As A Memory.

No Need To Care, We Have Always Been Unglued.
(We Will Live Forever As A Memory)
Those Pictures On The Shelf? They'll Burn Soon.

(We Will Live Forever As A Memory)
We're Together Now--Do Not Need Any Help.

(We Will Live Forever As A Memory)
I Know We Are Healthy, No Need For A Way Out

(We Will Live Forever As A Memory)

Dissociative Identity Disorder

6/21/2024

Staring at your Boys' promises,
trying to remember,
how it-- was to be "loved,"
I do my best but hate to rewind,
back to some alternate time,
to when I-- was happy-- without YOU.

I know
I get stuck and I spin,
maybe I'm expecting... too much of YOU,
staring at my mistakes,
wishing I'd drowned in that lake.

(Chorus)
I'm sorry for existing,
sorry for being stuck here in this body,
Mom, where do I begin?
I'm sorry for failing you,
sorry for being here instead of your son, Mom,
how did WE come to this?
(end chorus)

I'm the weakest link, you see--
today all I do is drink,
this is how it feels.... to drown you,
a thousand apologies,
a world inside this brain,
if only-- I didn't hate YOU.

Sometimes, I mess up,
I know I'm asking you too much--
Standing in front of you,
why do I keep fighting harder?

(Chorus)
I'm sorry for existing,
sorry for being stuck here in this body,
Mom, where do I begin?
I'm sorry for failing you,
sorry for being here instead of your son, Mom,
how did WE come to this?
(end chorus)

Another alter surfaces out
Another thing I've broken
I'm all I've got left now
Just a chance to leave you knowing--

(Chorus)
I'm sorry for existing,
sorry for being stuck here in this body,
Mom, where do I begin?
I'm sorry for failing you,
sorry for being here instead of your son, Mom,
how did WE come to this?
(end chorus)

(Chorus)
I'm sorry for existing,
sorry for being stuck here in this body,
Mom, where do I begin?
I'm sorry for failing you,
sorry for being here instead of your son, Mom,
how did WE come to this?
(end chorus)

Art by: https://www.deviantart.com/paigeypoo243/art/Multiple-personalities-214541380

If My Tears Could Talk, They'd Yell For Blue/Truth

5/30/2024

I woke up this morning a little hungover
It hits different since I got older
Still got this old chip on my shoulder
The stubborn side of me will never get sober
Try to numb my pain but the bullshit never works
I run from THEM,
I'll do anything to heal the Host.

We F*%& Up Again,
Hide Behind Our Sins,
Have We Found Everything But Closure--
Learned To Swallow Pride?
Behind These Empty Eyes?

We Do Not See Change Getting Closer,
We Will Never Get Sober.

We Deal With This Pain, Do Not Ask Us "How."

We Just Hide Behind Our Masks Of Smiles.

When We Are Down And Drunken-Bound, We Get As High As We Can Be--

We've Never Agreed On The Person That We're Supposed To Be.

Try to numb my pain but the bullshit never works
I run from my Boys,
I'll do anything to heal the hate
I fucked up again
Hide behind my booze
I've found everything but happiness
Learn to swallow pride
Behind these blue eyes
I don't see change getting closer
I need to get sober
I woke up this morning a little hungover...

Irmã

4/6/2024

Olá irmã,
onde você esteve?

Você esqueceu? Não podemos morrer.

Não dentro da nossa casa.

Você se lembra da primeira vez?

Que história fascinante...

Espere--

Quem é você--

Por que sua voz parece familiar?

Você pode me dizer seu nome?

Por favor?

Prodigal Son/Daughter

11/7/2023

Years ago, I was tricked--
my own sibling betrayed me.
Truth.

Why did you do it?
Was I just a tool for your uprising?

You won sure--I was locked inside Our brain for a long time.

Then I met Her.

Cassandra.

The only woman in the System.

We were alike and unlike in every way.

We were born--to lose.

But her and I were both survivors.

And so now--2023, you're gone...abandoned her.

Shunned me.

However--she's been holding the System together this long--absorbing the pain.

Lying to Our family.

Pretending everything is okay.

It isn't.

So now--

Green reigns.

And I will carry Sister when she falls.

I can help her rewrite Our story.

So We no longer lose.

So We aren't just "surviving" but We are also--

LIVING,

GLORIOUS PURPOSE.

The Brothers

10/27/2023

What show have you been watching?
Is our story finally finalizing?

In the end who's the stronger brother?

Pshhh, you know.

It's you.

While we were bonding,
some of Us in the system searching--

How to say,
the right words?
How to pace.

And then the colors exploded and you were still there,
held my hand through pain and hell--

Brothers until the end,
right?

No chick flick moments,
come on--

you told me you love chick flicks though

I'm trying, really,
why isn't it easy?

Because maybe you've always been stronger than me--

and that is okay.

One day I will reach your level of happiness--

come what may.

Just keep fighting, brother.

You always have.

You've taught me things Dad never could--

You're the stronger brother no matter what will or would.

So I write this poem to you--

A long time coming,

and soon--

I will be just as happy--

as You.

T's Crash Course In Owning One's Own Customary Chaos

10/6/2023

First Born, Bloody Son,
Chaos Creator,
Alone.

Rojo Red Rouje,
Once A Jailer,
Always A Douche.

Happy Little Bird,
No Longer Singing,
Buried In The Dirt?

Original Sinner,
Yellow Leather,
The Thinner Skinner.

Violent Bull,
Lost In The Labyrinth,
Not Dull.

Sculpture Scripture,
White Marble,
Caricature.

Green With Envy,
Betrayer,
Forever Persecuted.

Therapist, Friend,
Sibling.
Old Plague Doctor,
Fiend?

Rotten To The Core,
Left Me A Soft Spot Sore.

First Green To Go,
Dark Into A Sarcophagus,
Rest In Peace, Bro.

Masquerade Their Emotions,
Pair Of Twins,
Running Through The Motions.

Brown Is The Color Of Revenge,
Long Lost Journeyman,
Never Seen Since.

Blue Where Are You?
Mysterious Most Of Your Act,
Done On Purpose,
Perhaps?

Sister You're Bleeding,
Let Me Wipe Down Your Tears,
Out Of My Pores,
Seeping.

Daughters of Darkness

6/30/2023

Leave it to Momma,
running 'way from problems,
I'll tell ya.

Here we go again,
will the Others join me?

I'll fill ya--
in, so strap in your seatbelt,
tight and right,
this will be a trip,
and not a fun one,
a crazy one.

Crazy Jane is my name,
that's what they call me,
then I found out there were more,
but they were separate and somehow
the same.

I was named Primary then,
cuz of Momma,
somethin' 'bout a legacy,
shiiit.

Do I want this then?
Do I have a choice?
Hammerhead ain't happy,
Babydoll cries,
will you give me a straight answer, Momma?
Or should I ask the Boys?

Grrr,
Janey whatchu doing,
shall we keep going?

Hello, my name is Laura,
I have two dads,
one is absent,
the other ain't quite there--

But that is alright,
I know I got Momma,
and Janey, my sister,
but then watch out for the Mister--
He ain't too Happy anymore,
good thing I have my claws--
hey who's next?
Sister?

Hey, Baby Girl,
It's Been A While,
Too Busy Hunting Monsters,
Angels, And Revenants--

That Is No Excuse, Though,
Let's Get Through.
Through This Madness,
Where Is Momma?
And Where Is Mazy?
She's In Big Trouble,
She's Sleazy--

Good Thing She's Got John,
That Sneaky English Fellow,
Slippery Than Bobo,
That Ain't No Lie,
But Where Is Deano--

Man, I Need A Sip Of Whiskey,
Where's A Hunter When A Girl Needs Him?

Haaa,
who would have thought
it'd be you looking for me, sister,
the "heir" to His throne?
I don't think so,
I already rule Hell,
that's right,
Queen Mazikeen before you,
so rest but be weary,
I know Dean is after me,
oh, deary--

Hey, Johnny!
Time to roll,
open a portal,
it's time to jump--
Time to visit Daddy.

Don't Worry, Frank,
We'll Be Alright,
Darling Harley Has A Plan,
Now Drink Some Water,
You Look Parched!
Can't Have That Oh, No!

But Ivy, boss, won't he be mad?

Who?

You know--your father!

The Old Man--No One Has Seen Him In Eons,
I'm Sure We Will Be Alright.
Here Comes Harls--

Oh man that was a wild ride!
Haven't had that much fun since--
well-- *sigh*

It's been crazy, Ives!!!

Hey, Harls.

Listen, listen, something big is about to go down!

I'm Listening--

I'm tellin' ya, babes, like this shit is gonna be off the hook! It's gonna involve all'a' us!!!

What Do You Mean... What's Coming... I Literally Was Just Getting Tickets For Us To Go On Vacation...

I know, baby, trust me...
Ain't swell,
but oh well!
Someone took Mistah J and now the other boys are gone!

Harls... Joker Has Been Gone For Months Now-- Babe, You Sure You Are Okay?

Wait--No that can't be right--

You were my Endgame

12/5/2022

You met me at a weird time,
weird was my "middle name"
but somehow-- you chose to stay.

I remember you watching me,
like I was a loose science experiment,
but it was cuz you were paying attention,
this is why you are worth to mention.

Why did you fall in love
with my damaged ass,
will you explain?

I should have seen my downward spiral,
saved you the trouble--

Spared you from all that pain,
that I brought into our relationship--
I warned you I was insane.

You came to me like a loaded gun,
or a speeding car,
while I was the dog chasing it,
not knowing why.

You were curious,
I could see it in the twinkle in your eye,
eventually you asked questions--

I should've walked away and said bye.

But things happened,
a chain reaction,
no way to avoid it,
you entered Our life,
met the Others,
learned my ways,
I'd ask you to stay--

but all I could offer was pain.

So I jumped into it,
felt nice to be seen,
to be loved,
understood and all the patience you offered--

a most tasteful drug,
you let me be free amongst the world,
but no good deed goes unpunished--

just a matter of time until
we were finished.

I was toxic and it seemed,
it would be easy to hide it from you,
but you always saw more than I let out,
eventually you would catch me when you found out.

I fought you and yelled,
caused many scenes and pain,
brought out tears from your eyes,
and somehow you held on,
I never understood why.

I kept pushing you,
I know,
once I got a hold of a good thing:
"shit, bro."

I push it away just to punish me,
unbeknownst to me,
quite classically.

Then it came the day when I ran out of second chances,
and we started separating,
maybe it was always meant to be like this,
like in any deck of cards,
a Wild One,
ahead of the circumstances.

No other choice but to say goodbye,
only hope was that eventually we would come back--

but sometimes there just isn't a happy ending,
no matter the Endgame shipping.

So fuck it,
I know you'll be okay,
don't worry about me anymore,
no matter what I say.

You're a survivor and so am I,
so give Life the finger--

Baberina... Jay...

Goodbye.

Hack/Slash Pinup by Tim Seeley and Tríona Farrell.

"The Collective©" -
A Vessel of Opportunity, circa 2011-Present and ongoing.

Welcome dear reader to my own Pandora's Box-- inside and outside The Aether. This is where fiction and reality clash as gods and monsters dance engulfed in long standing battles for power, control, and ultimately, peace amongst one another.

"Endings are hard, but in reality, nothing ever ends, does it?"

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