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Taking A Step Back

7/7/2015

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"There is a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough."
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I gave it my best shot, I gave my everything to beat this thing. I thought that if I kept pushing myself that I'd get past it. That I'd grow stronger and finally get through it. Beat it. Own it.

I was wrong.

It all became too much in the end. I'm the kind of person that can be patient, that can pick up the weight and carry it through the mud. I can be that person, but I can also get to the point where the weight gets to be too much. The stress gets to me. Invades my mind past the breaking point.


I see that now, for I have run into scenarios where I've tried to keep my cool and realized that I'm beat.


There is no other way around it. I just can't take it all anymore. I can feel myself starting to shake. The dam getting ready to break.


And I can't allow myself to go through that again. I can't allow myself to break.


I can be so damn stubborn sometimes, but right now, after going over everything that I've learned, everything that I've accomplished, I can see clearly now that the defining line between giving up and letting go has arrived right in front of me. I enjoyed learning new things, accepting the responsibility that came with new power.


But the cross has become too much to bear. I will accept that I can own up this moment with no shame and no regret. I gained experience, became more aware of the situation around me and my coworkers. I have seen things about the workplace, learned things about others, that I do not look at this promotion as wasted time.


I see this as an opportunity that presented itself, and I took it. I learned from it. And I can look at it now, years later, and be able to walk away from it with my chest up high and my will unbroken.


I can let go and not feel guilty. I can let go and not feel like I've failed.


I can let go and feel free.
This doesn't make me weaker.
This is only part of discovering myself. Testing my limits.
Learning my strength, and understanding when I need to back off.


When it's time to take a step back.


And now I see that being a manager is not who I am.

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Soul of a Man

7/2/2015

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The moment came quicker than I thought. I'd imagine it would take much longer--that it would drag on and on, but instead, I find myself six days shy from the anniversary that will define the rest of my life. This year marks a very special date on the calendar for me. The eight of July will be the second year my sobriety comes full circle once again. The moment I had decided to quit drinking forever, that moment felt like the start of the toughest road I would travel on. All I could imagine was the drinks, the liquid being poured, the parties, the laughs, the jokes, and of course, the feeling of letting loose. 
So I quit. I stopped drinking all together. No specific drink, just anything that contained the smallest drop of alcohol. I wanted nothing to do with it. Nothing. And the sole mention of the word would instigate anger burning inside me, the thought of repeating the mistake would become tied to the word, I would put those two together to convince myself it would be the easy way. If I hated it, I wouldn't need it. I wouldn't crave it.



The devil in the bottle. The temptation. That familiar taste I had come to love. Creeping out, staring at me with those eyes. 


I remember the first time I drank, how wasted I became. I remember the first time I blacked out. The first time I got in trouble. The first time it became tolerable. Then how it became used to my palate, and how I became used to its taste.


My partner in crime, my escape route, my heavy listener, my conversation opener.


I remember how it made me feel invincible, I remember how it made me feel approachable. 


I also realize that a lot of things that I don't remember are because of it.


I made myself the promise of the century two years ago. I promised myself that I would never enter a situation like the one I was in that day ever again. That I would never allow myself to fall that low. That I would never again convince myself that I was more than human, incapable of impossible odds. That I would give it up, put the bottle down, and say my goodbyes to it.


So I did.


Not one drop.


And now the date comes back to me once again. Full circle.


And memories flood me and I start remembering. But what it's important I remember is not what I forgot that night, but what new memories I create this coming night. When I celebrate my freedom from the bottle. When I celebrate that I don't need it. That I can look at it and laugh.

I never needed it to begin with, I just chose it and it became part of who I was. To the point that it was all that I was.



I'm good. I'm good now. Hell, I'm better.


And I don't need to run from it anymore. I don't need to laugh at it. I don't need to curse it.


I can choose to embrace it once again, but here's the thing. I don't need it. I never did.


And I never will.

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    Writer/Artist

    My name is Francisco, you can call me Zisco.

    Endings are hard, but in reality, nothing ever ends, does it?

    I'm not perfect, I'm just a human being. I make mistakes and I try to redeem myself. Life ain't easy, but I manage. I like to help people with their problems, but when they are too much for me to handle, I much rather not. I'm a great listener, but there are things I believe are better handled on your own.

    Check out my Deviantart website at: http://p1ls3n3r.deviantart.com/
    And while you are at it, check out my YouTube channel:  http://www.youtube.com/user/ziscokid88?feature=mhee

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