"All I heard was in my heart, dim, but...fast, like footsteps fleeing into silence. I feel like I've been gradually becoming different for a while. I just feel like somebody else."
Who am I?
It's a question that's evaded my answer for over a year now. Was it because I felt lost? Probably so. I fell. Again. Hard. And this time, it was hard enough to make me lose sight of who I was. What my identity was...or used to be? I am not quite sure, but what I do know now is that it didn't happen in vain.
With every fall, there must also come a great step up. But first, I went through changes. I decided that I couldn't keep the same people I hung out with all the time, and thus I pushed them away. This didn't feel like the right choice for a while, but at the time it was the only choice. I had to push away the people I cared the most about because I needed a fresh start. And in order to make this happen, I needed a clean slate.
Believe me, it hurt like hell when I did it, but now I see why. This needed to happen. The only way now is forward, and despite going a whole year in isolation, I am now ready to start over. I've learned a lot from this past year and not only about myself, but also about my surroundings.
I've decided that where I am now, is not where I need to be. I am looking toward my future now, and I've come to realize that in order to pursue it, I must pursue new avenues. After struggling to find myself again, I've grown stronger and wiser. I've learned that certain things need to be avoided, and have chosen to go alcohol-free for the rest of my life. I've realized I don't need this vice anymore and that I can be cleaner and healthier in mind and body AND spirit without it.
It's a question that's evaded my answer for over a year now. Was it because I felt lost? Probably so. I fell. Again. Hard. And this time, it was hard enough to make me lose sight of who I was. What my identity was...or used to be? I am not quite sure, but what I do know now is that it didn't happen in vain.
With every fall, there must also come a great step up. But first, I went through changes. I decided that I couldn't keep the same people I hung out with all the time, and thus I pushed them away. This didn't feel like the right choice for a while, but at the time it was the only choice. I had to push away the people I cared the most about because I needed a fresh start. And in order to make this happen, I needed a clean slate.
Believe me, it hurt like hell when I did it, but now I see why. This needed to happen. The only way now is forward, and despite going a whole year in isolation, I am now ready to start over. I've learned a lot from this past year and not only about myself, but also about my surroundings.
I've decided that where I am now, is not where I need to be. I am looking toward my future now, and I've come to realize that in order to pursue it, I must pursue new avenues. After struggling to find myself again, I've grown stronger and wiser. I've learned that certain things need to be avoided, and have chosen to go alcohol-free for the rest of my life. I've realized I don't need this vice anymore and that I can be cleaner and healthier in mind and body AND spirit without it.
I've also realized that I can no longer play the ultimate hero. I can't save everyone--and this was specially true a year ago when I couldn't even save myself. But that has changed now--I can totally save myself. And this is because I have been given a second chance to change, and I'm taking it.
However, I know that there are some people that can't be saved--and this isn't a failure on my part. Some people just choose not to be saved, by someone, or by themselves. And that's okay. There are plenty of people that will go through a life-changing event and it is their own duty to realize how to handle it. I have to focus on myself and my changes and how that affects those close to me and how it shapes my future.
I am changed.
I am ready to embrace my identity. Who I am. That which I had lost sight of for over a year.
However, I know that there are some people that can't be saved--and this isn't a failure on my part. Some people just choose not to be saved, by someone, or by themselves. And that's okay. There are plenty of people that will go through a life-changing event and it is their own duty to realize how to handle it. I have to focus on myself and my changes and how that affects those close to me and how it shapes my future.
I am changed.
I am ready to embrace my identity. Who I am. That which I had lost sight of for over a year.
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