"I can handle myself," you told me.
I sure as hell couldn't handle what would happen then. I made a decision. A tough one, but it felt like the right one at the time. I was wrong. I thought to myself, sure, she'll be okay. I was wrong. I was wrong. How wrong I was.
I told you what would happen.
Why didn't you listen to me?
So you stayed there. Inside my head. You rooted yourself and spread through my mind like a virus. You stuck to the inside of the walls of my brain and infected it. And I enjoyed every minute of it. I savored it.
But I told you what would happen. What I would do. That I would push you away. I always push away. I hate getting too attached, and I fall far too fast far too far.
Too far, too far, dammit why didn't you listen?
You couldn't handle it, could you? And now I am angry. I am upset, but at the same time I want to forgive you, and yet I don't.
I don't, I don't, I can't! Why is it so damn hard to try and wrap my head around you? For heaven's sake, what is wrong with the decision I need to make?
It's improbable, an impossibility.
Like closing a door shut even though there isn't one. How can I? I can't feel the doorknob. Where is the key for me to throw away?
I can't. I know I want to. And yet to come around once more. You talk, you joke, you laugh, damn you for making me do this. Damn it all to hell.
I try, really I try, but I have to keep my composure, the environment requires it. The facade needs to stand still.
But I'll be damned if it works. You still see right through me.
You are a punk.
And I hate myself for ever letting you in. For showing you what I feel. What I am. But I can't hate you.
I can't. No matter how hard, how much I try.