Chapter ∞ : "The Queen"

You asked me what I would write about you, and I had no words to offer you. I was simply--stumped. I could not find the right things to say because I was afraid, afraid that everything I would say would be wrong. And that I would fuck things up again like last time.

I was...stuck.

I found myself hitting a wall, and it took me a while, but I think I found the strength to break through.

So here it goes.

I like you.

And I did not think I could like anyone anymore.

Not in the way I like you.

I thought, that maybe, maybe I had finally broken myself to the point I would not be able to feel that again.

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I remember you, you were always in the background, and I did not pay attention, not close enough to see you.

To really see you.

A part of me blocked the view; the part of me that wanted to be left alone.

I did not start paying attention until the day you left a note. A note that warned me about something I had left behind, unattended.

Something you messed with, to tease me.

That got me thinking, but more so, it got that part of me thinking, warning me. Telling me to not trust you.

​That part wouldn't shut up.

Told me to ask around, to find out more about you. Why? Did I not have the balls to ask you myself?

Why did I listen to Him?

To prove Him wrong? To shut Him up?

I wanted to keep you in the background. So I didn't ask you, I didn't ask questions.

I let you unfold. Right in front of my eyes, you got closer.

And I learned more about you, and yet, I still felt like I didn't knew you.

Really knew you.

I had to...I had to show you who I was, before I could learn more about you.

I had to...make sure.

But I was stupid, I kept comparing you to the others. Comparing you to my mistakes, to my past, to my own faults, like I knew you.

But I didn't know you. I couldn't.

I didn't know a goddamn thing about you.

And all I had to do was ask.

​Why was it so hard?

---

I could feel myself fading. I could feel like maybe it was a mistake.

That I had done something wrong.

But like always, I was overthinking the small things. Making them, turning them into something that made me afraid, without actually letting them unfold first.

I lost track of time. I kept thinking I had a handle on things, that I was on the straight and narrow, doing what I could do to the best of my ability.

But you turned my world upside down.

And I liked it.

I indulged in it.

I enjoyed every second of it.

With you.

Talking to you.

Going to the movies.

Or just kissing you.

Or simply......just looking at you.

Knowing that your company, simply was......enough.

It made me feel anew.

Rejuvenated.

I had lost track of what was around me; being stuck in a hole where the only person I stared at in the mirror was myself.

I started caring only.

About.

​Myself.

---

​Right down to the minute, right down to the second, I could feel my every breath unfold.

Time was never enough; once we got more involved, every second we were together, it was like the sand from the hourglass was slipping through my fingers.

I kept wanting to hold it together, to keep it with me, but it kept slipping.

And sooner than later, I was leaving your place. I was saying good night.

I hated knowing I had to leave you, but I knew that I'd see you again.

Except, I didn't.

Not exactly.

I started feeling I was going to lose you.

That no matter what, I'd do something to fuck it all up and lose you.

That I'd push you away.

---

But something changed that. And I no longer felt like I had to fight Him.

You made me feel... vulnerable.

I was no longer running around like I was invincible, like nothing could break me, like I was made of stone.

I didn't understand it, couldn't comprehend it, it was a new feeling. I felt a connection between us, but I couldn't wrap my finger around it.

You had this... power over me. And although a part of me hated that you did, I was completely okay with it.

This feeling you ignited in me, it was so Tempting. You were so Tempting. I wanted to feel it again. I wanted to let loose.

And so I allowed myself to be vulnerable with you.

And it made me feel... alive.

I wasn't sure how or why this was happening to me, all I knew was that it was. And I had to keep control of it.

I couldn't allow myself to get lost in it, to let the dark cloud the judgement.

Maybe it was my hero complex, but I felt the urge, the need to protect you from myself.

And I almost lost you.

I do not know what time will bring for us.

All I know is that you've helped me love every fiber of myself, completely.

Even at the moments when I hate showing you it.

A friend of mine once told me, one day, you'll meet someone who will accept you whole. For everything, every corner of who you are.

I always told her she was wrong.

But I can see now that she wasn't.

And I am proud to call you my Queen.

Because you make me better.

​You are my beautiful chaos.

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