One simple headline: Left 4 Dead. Who would be crazy enough to read that, click on it, and respond to the posting? This one, I had pursued for fun. It was a silly game I thought wouldn't amount to anything. I didn't actually expect a response when I posted it.
But she answered. She sounded interested. And so we started talking, but my trust was still damaged. Perhaps it was because of this that I wrote that post in the first place. To set it out in the open to see if anyone would bite.
But mainly because I knew no one would.
I was looking for friends in the wrong places. That part of me crying out for attention, wanting to hang out with someone--it was desperate. Alone. Sad.
So eventually, like all things, this had to come to an end. My lack of faith in any friendship/relationship through the internet had become apparent, and in so, I treated the person on the other end of the screen badly.
Put bluntly, I was an asshole; I treated this person like they did not deserve trust. I was rude. We shared things in common; but that voice in the back of my head kept repeating, can you really trust anyone out in the internet? So instead, I closed off; I never got another reply or email from her.
Until one day, attending CSU, I saw her. I knew she recognized me, and I played it off as if I didn't. But behind those blue eyes, I knew. I knew she knew that I knew her.
And I was painted as an even bigger asshole for not approaching her, for not acknowledging her, for not saying that I was sorry.
And we kept running into each other; in different classes, on campus, by the parking lot. Her curly hair flowing in the wind, reminding me of what perhaps I missed on.
Her lip ring shining with the sun; but nowhere close.
Another woman I was rude to, and for what exactly?
For listening to the voice in my head.
That fucking asshole.
But she answered. She sounded interested. And so we started talking, but my trust was still damaged. Perhaps it was because of this that I wrote that post in the first place. To set it out in the open to see if anyone would bite.
But mainly because I knew no one would.
I was looking for friends in the wrong places. That part of me crying out for attention, wanting to hang out with someone--it was desperate. Alone. Sad.
So eventually, like all things, this had to come to an end. My lack of faith in any friendship/relationship through the internet had become apparent, and in so, I treated the person on the other end of the screen badly.
Put bluntly, I was an asshole; I treated this person like they did not deserve trust. I was rude. We shared things in common; but that voice in the back of my head kept repeating, can you really trust anyone out in the internet? So instead, I closed off; I never got another reply or email from her.
Until one day, attending CSU, I saw her. I knew she recognized me, and I played it off as if I didn't. But behind those blue eyes, I knew. I knew she knew that I knew her.
And I was painted as an even bigger asshole for not approaching her, for not acknowledging her, for not saying that I was sorry.
And we kept running into each other; in different classes, on campus, by the parking lot. Her curly hair flowing in the wind, reminding me of what perhaps I missed on.
Her lip ring shining with the sun; but nowhere close.
Another woman I was rude to, and for what exactly?
For listening to the voice in my head.
That fucking asshole.
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