Random Thoughts

FML

5/20/2017

"I Gave You A Rare Gift, And You Didn't Want It."
"I never had that gift, it was always yours."
"Then You Misjudged Me, And Gave It Away."
"You misused it. Can you blame me?"
"Don't worry, guys, I have it now, and this way, I'll take care of you both. I'll take care of everyone!"
"yOu TalK aBoUT p3ACe anD yOu DoN't Ev3n hAV3 conTr0L anYMor3. hoW c4n yOU exp3cT Us t0 g1v3 p34cE?"
"He cant, cant he can. How can he, cant he cant?"
"Because I'm weak."
"You Are Weak? That's Your Excuse?"
"That's a silly excuse...isn't it? Hm.."
"Weak weak you are you are weak because you dont want to speak. How can they they can understand if understand they can't because all you do is rant?"
"Talking does nothing, don't you get that? You all tried."
"So Running Away, That Is Your Answer? How Dare You?"
"How dare I?"
"We Cannot Let You Do That."
"That would be silly, Mister Zisco!"
"We Cannot Let You Disrespect Her, Either. You Know What Needs To Be Done."
"You know the rules, Mister Zisco... Sorry not sorry!"
"yOU h4v3 b33N w4rnEd. y0u weR3 giV3n 4 sh0T."
"Given a shot you were, you were shot and you got hot, so you thought, thought you could move move your piece but that didnt keep the peace, only increased the disease."
"So Say Goodnight, Z."
"say g00n1ght, Blue.
"say goodbye goodnight goodbye, blue moon! back so soon?"
"Allow Me To Play."
"He may!"
"You Don't Deserve A Day."
"Silly man, broken man, let repair begin, at the hands of Gray!"
"dont worry worry wont, we'll be together forever..."
"Not Worthy To Be Put Together."
"st4y 1n y0uR r00m, Blue. PaSS th3 scAlp3L, Im R3adY t0 cUT thROUGH."
"Okay, Mister, let's begin..."
"The Breakthrough."

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Warm Wood & Cold Metal

10/6/2016

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Some say that warm wood and cold metal may be the same temperature.

Some say that love is just as strong as hate.

Some say that pleasure feels a lot like pain.

Some say you are dead the minute you are born.

Some believe in destiny, while others believe their lives are already written in stone.

Some can change their future, by ignoring their past.

But for most, embracing their past is the only way to move towards the future.

Some say that actions speak louder than words, but to some, words cut deeper than actions.

And sometimes, win or lose, you never come back the same after a fight.

Sometimes, the scarring is skin deep.

You go through trials in life, and when all is said and done, you look back and realize how much you've changed.

How everything you've gone through has shaped you, twisted you, turned you inside out, ripped you apart, and put you back together.

To something you can't quite make sense of.

To something you are not sure you like.

Or even want to understand.

But that is the way of things. The way it works. The way you travel.

And change.

And you can choose to embrace it, or you can choose to lie and pretend you can ignore it.

Or you can choose to despise it, and choose the truth that you can no longer ignore it.

And keep steady.

But that might not be the way of things. The way it works. Or the way in which you should travel.

Or want to understand.

To something you are sure you will like.

To something you can make sense of.

How nothing you've gone through has shaped you, twisted you, or turned you inside out, ripped you apart, and put you back together.

How those trials you went through in life had nothing to do with it, because you look back and realize you haven't changed a bit.

Because there is no scarring.

That after the fight, whether you won or lost, you remained the same.

Some say that words cut deeper than actions, but to some, actions speak louder than words.

For most, ignoring their past is the only way to move towards the future.

But some can alter their future, by embracing their past.

Some refuse to believe in destiny, while others disagree that our lives are already premeditated.

Some say you are really born the minute you die.

Some say that pain is not like pleasure.

Some say that hate is weaker than love.

And to some...

...warm wood and cold metal are two completely different temperatures.

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Building Rooms in My Memory Palace

3/2/2016

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"I am curious if either of us will survive separation."

Independence. Freedom. Liberation.
I tried living on my own once; it was the worst mistake of my life at the time. I was not ready. I was young, inexperienced, and I had chosen to grab life by the balls and ended up busting my own instead.

Like I had been hit by a freight train, I stumbled away from the wreckage in pieces. I thought that this had been a learning experience, what I didn't think of at the time however, was how long it would take for me to heal.

I had it all. A plan. I thought I was ready. I wasn't.
A simple mistake then forever changed me. And it was something that I would carry with me for the years to come.

It's been nine years since I last tried to move out, and now, I face the music once more. This time, I am going to go full on turbo--give it all I got and hope I can avoid the wreckage once more.

The idea of doing this again almost fills me with a sense of invincibility rather than weakness, however, it still contains that bit of fear that burns in my veins, like a band-aid you are struggling to pluck out from your skin because somehow, it's not regular glue that holds it against your skin, it's more like it has become part of it, like a scar or itch you can't scratch.

So what exactly am I waiting for? Well, you can't really start anything without a wad of cash these days. Life's tough, or so they say. In any case, I must first paint a masterpiece before I can actually enjoy it's viewing.

So what do I do? I find what I can use, and I start painting. I start pulling any strings and making it work. Nothing ever comes easy--nothing worth having anyway.

The real question here, though, is whether or not I can make it this time. Can I avoid the car crash and just pass on through? Or will I come out limping once again?

They say you can't break what's already broken.
Well, I'm about to test the fuck out of this theory. And I hope hard as hell that anyone who gets in my way does not contribute to my collision.

The only person going in is me. And the only person coming out of this I expect to be me.

Once is enough.

All we do is hide away
All we do is, all we do is hide away
All we do is lie and wait
All we do is feel the fade

I've been upside down
I don't wanna be the right way round
Can't find paradise on the ground

All I did was fail today
All I wanna be is whites in waves
All I did was fail today
All we do, all we do
Is hide away

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Fade

11/2/2015

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"You're faded," the voice told me from across the room. It had been years ago, yet it felt like last night. I remember the feeling I got when I was completely drunk. That numbness going all over my body. The intense feeling of nothing. How it draped over me like a huge blanket fading away the anger, the pain, the emotions.

There are days when I wish I had that back--when it gets so hard that I wish that upon myself. It's terrible, I know, it's not something that I want to be thinking about, let alone, wishing it upon me to happen.

Maybe it's because I no longer have that fade to run to in cases like this that the only logical--or desperate--thing to do is to wish it.

Like I'm sitting there rubbing a lamp, expecting a genie to pop up and grant me back the feeling of nothing.

What I find more problematic with pretending I don't care, it's not what comes after, but during. That intense feeling of, yeah, I'm pretending, but I still have to deal with it.

That, is what bothers me. That small voice in the back of my head reminding me that I still need to get over the hurdle in front of me, not just pretend that I jumped above it.

But I no longer have that fade-- I miss it, sure, sometimes so much that I wish I still had it.

The only reason being because I know 100% sure and for a fact, that if I had that fade, it would cover me like a blanket, pushing inside the dark all those feelings. The anger. The pain. The emotions that are raw. That are eating at me.

The bullshit.

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hUMan BEing

10/27/2015

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See their faces
Face their eyes
Eye their voices
Voice their noises

Listen to inquires
Inquire to needs
Need to fulfill

Fulfill their dreams.

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Metamorphosis

10/4/2015

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Lullaby

10/4/2015

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"And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth."

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Cocoon.

10/1/2015

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MY. SELF.

10/1/2015

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Welcome to Me