"You're faded," the voice told me from across the room. It had been years ago, yet it felt like last night. I remember the feeling I got when I was completely drunk. That numbness going all over my body. The intense feeling of nothing. How it draped over me like a huge blanket fading away the anger, the pain, the emotions.
There are days when I wish I had that back--when it gets so hard that I wish that upon myself. It's terrible, I know, it's not something that I want to be thinking about, let alone, wishing it upon me to happen.
Maybe it's because I no longer have that fade to run to in cases like this that the only logical--or desperate--thing to do is to wish it.
Like I'm sitting there rubbing a lamp, expecting a genie to pop up and grant me back the feeling of nothing.
What I find more problematic with pretending I don't care, it's not what comes after, but during. That intense feeling of, yeah, I'm pretending, but I still have to deal with it.
That, is what bothers me. That small voice in the back of my head reminding me that I still need to get over the hurdle in front of me, not just pretend that I jumped above it.
But I no longer have that fade-- I miss it, sure, sometimes so much that I wish I still had it.
The only reason being because I know 100% sure and for a fact, that if I had that fade, it would cover me like a blanket, pushing inside the dark all those feelings. The anger. The pain. The emotions that are raw. That are eating at me.
The bullshit.
There are days when I wish I had that back--when it gets so hard that I wish that upon myself. It's terrible, I know, it's not something that I want to be thinking about, let alone, wishing it upon me to happen.
Maybe it's because I no longer have that fade to run to in cases like this that the only logical--or desperate--thing to do is to wish it.
Like I'm sitting there rubbing a lamp, expecting a genie to pop up and grant me back the feeling of nothing.
What I find more problematic with pretending I don't care, it's not what comes after, but during. That intense feeling of, yeah, I'm pretending, but I still have to deal with it.
That, is what bothers me. That small voice in the back of my head reminding me that I still need to get over the hurdle in front of me, not just pretend that I jumped above it.
But I no longer have that fade-- I miss it, sure, sometimes so much that I wish I still had it.
The only reason being because I know 100% sure and for a fact, that if I had that fade, it would cover me like a blanket, pushing inside the dark all those feelings. The anger. The pain. The emotions that are raw. That are eating at me.
The bullshit.
