I ran into someone from my past while I was at work tonight. It was an unexpected meeting, a short one, which felt as if it went on for longer than it should have. This meeting was something that I have imagined before in my mind, a thought that I've only entertained for a second because I wanted to see if I could imagine it as how I would want it to go if it did happen in real life. Thing is, it did happen in real life, and no--it didn't go as I had planned it. It never seems to happen that way. Perhaps because there was something deep inside me that wanted to hear him out. Or maybe because I was in work uniform and technically while being on boss mode, I had to hear him out so as to not treat him like garbage, but as a human being. I've tried so hard to push away my humanity in order to be able to feel less, to care less, in order to do so more for myself than others. It has been an excruciating and confusing year for me because I've always been so caring for others than for myself. After my DUI and almost throwing away my future as well as my life, and after a lot of therapy in class, I have come to realize--as you will read on previous posts--that my selfishness is not so much as to stop caring for others, but more so for caring for my own well-being only. This has been a drastic change to my life, but a much needed one during the past couple of years. I pushed away my two only best friends at the time and I told myself that they will never re-enter my life for the sake of staying on the safe side. I had decided to stay sober for the rest of my life, and it was something that was serious to me, and something that would never work with my two best friends, so I had to end that friendship. So why is it that when I run into one of them at work, after two years of not seeing him, I am unable to just brush him off. Instead, I hear him out, I play it like we're still good friends, why is that? Deep in my heart I tell myself that I am just hearing him out, that I am telling him what he wants to hear. Especially when he tells me he wants to hang out sometime, that I should hit him up. It's not so much the flashbacks of good memories that kill me, but the fact that he tells me that throughout the two years he's been out of my life, he, too, has been stuck in a hole and is finally resurfacing. Damn you, empathy. So what do I do? I proceed to lie, to tell him what he wants to hear. That I will hit him up, text him and ask him to hang out. No. I can't. Won't. Don't want to.
You see, it's the people you know--really, really know--that end up hurting you in the end. It is because you build this great bond with someone that eventually, when you have to let go, it hurts like a motherfucker and it's something that stays with you. Forever.
I wish I could just close that chapter of my book, but the damn page is always sticking out. Old memories never really fade away, they just get buried, and resurface when you least expect it. Like the past, it always finds a way to reach back to you, and bite you in the ass.
Por esto prefiero ahora estar solo. Aunque sea en soledad, me encuentro a mi mismo. Y a nadie mas.
You see, it's the people you know--really, really know--that end up hurting you in the end. It is because you build this great bond with someone that eventually, when you have to let go, it hurts like a motherfucker and it's something that stays with you. Forever.
I wish I could just close that chapter of my book, but the damn page is always sticking out. Old memories never really fade away, they just get buried, and resurface when you least expect it. Like the past, it always finds a way to reach back to you, and bite you in the ass.
Por esto prefiero ahora estar solo. Aunque sea en soledad, me encuentro a mi mismo. Y a nadie mas.
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