I barely remember about two years ago what it felt like to shudder from pure joy. Like being tickled with a feather, or having goosebumps down your neck. Do you know what I'm talking about? It's that feeling that rushes over your body when someone you are physically attracted to decides to get close to you--invade your personal bubble. Whether uninvited or not, the feeling is always there. It's a bittersweet feeling because it's sweet when they get close to you, but bitter when they leave. That single moment when you are facing that person, locking eyes with them and then smiling like an idiot. Like all of a sudden you're back in high school, down the halls, and you can't seem to wipe the grin off your face. It feels like everyone else around you is staring and as you try to find some sort of composure, you struggle with words as you start mumbling to this person looking you dead in the eyes.
It's worse when it's just the two of you together, alone and separated from the rest of the world. Like you're sharing the same moment--and yet time seems to no longer matter, because it no longer exists. You interlock fingers and smile together--maybe let out a laugh or two and as that person keeps their sight on you, you start to melt together. Two warm bodies soon becoming one. The kiss is what seals the deal--what keeps that moment going down the only road you set yourself on.
The sweet taste of that person's lips on yours--the soft caressing of their touch, it drives you wild. It excites you and makes you yearn for more. Like a hot kettle you start to boil, your heart starts beating and all of a sudden everything around you is numb-- blurred.
Nothing else matters. Just the moment.
The closeness.
It's something I am no longer interested in. I've separated myself from certain feelings for the sake of caring only for my well-being, that I've missed out on opportunities to regain that closeness once more. No, I am not complaining. I've found out about myself that so much of that allowed me to get lost in it, in that moment, and start craving it more and more. This, in my relationships, always caused problems for me because I would lose sight of other responsibilities and start to avoid said responsibilities and get too involved with the other person in the relationship. It was unhealthy, because it wasn't in moderation. It almost felt like it was everything that the relationship was basically about. And there is such thing as too much.
Too much of anything can ruin you. Can ruin a relationship.
So it's been a while since I let myself get close to someone. I've been alone and have enjoyed this loneliness. Have become used to the separation. Have found a sense of comfort in being this way. This closeness, can blind you, can throw you on a path that you have no idea where it's headed. It can be destructive. So, the detachment... it's been fulfilling, it's been satisfying, it's become part of who I am now.
Some will say that losing this intimacy can destroy me-- but I will look this person in the eye and reassure them, I am no longer in need of it.
Being free... it feels like...it's a strong feeling that I've had a hard time putting my finger on it, on how to explain it. I just know that I've never felt so close with who I am. I went for so long hating what kind of person I was.
But I have finally reached a point where I love myself. Every flaw, every strength, what makes me, me.
I am complete.
It's worse when it's just the two of you together, alone and separated from the rest of the world. Like you're sharing the same moment--and yet time seems to no longer matter, because it no longer exists. You interlock fingers and smile together--maybe let out a laugh or two and as that person keeps their sight on you, you start to melt together. Two warm bodies soon becoming one. The kiss is what seals the deal--what keeps that moment going down the only road you set yourself on.
The sweet taste of that person's lips on yours--the soft caressing of their touch, it drives you wild. It excites you and makes you yearn for more. Like a hot kettle you start to boil, your heart starts beating and all of a sudden everything around you is numb-- blurred.
Nothing else matters. Just the moment.
The closeness.
It's something I am no longer interested in. I've separated myself from certain feelings for the sake of caring only for my well-being, that I've missed out on opportunities to regain that closeness once more. No, I am not complaining. I've found out about myself that so much of that allowed me to get lost in it, in that moment, and start craving it more and more. This, in my relationships, always caused problems for me because I would lose sight of other responsibilities and start to avoid said responsibilities and get too involved with the other person in the relationship. It was unhealthy, because it wasn't in moderation. It almost felt like it was everything that the relationship was basically about. And there is such thing as too much.
Too much of anything can ruin you. Can ruin a relationship.
So it's been a while since I let myself get close to someone. I've been alone and have enjoyed this loneliness. Have become used to the separation. Have found a sense of comfort in being this way. This closeness, can blind you, can throw you on a path that you have no idea where it's headed. It can be destructive. So, the detachment... it's been fulfilling, it's been satisfying, it's become part of who I am now.
Some will say that losing this intimacy can destroy me-- but I will look this person in the eye and reassure them, I am no longer in need of it.
Being free... it feels like...it's a strong feeling that I've had a hard time putting my finger on it, on how to explain it. I just know that I've never felt so close with who I am. I went for so long hating what kind of person I was.
But I have finally reached a point where I love myself. Every flaw, every strength, what makes me, me.
I am complete.
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