I thought that this was temporary; I had thought that there was a reason why I had shut down so much for so what felt like so long. Why I pushed everyone away, why I put up walls. I thought there was a reason why I had become who I had become. I thought there was a plan; that maybe someone would come along and finally show me again how to feel what I needed to feel.
I thought that perhaps I could find that which I had locked away and feel it again.
I was wrong.
Truth is, I was never going to get that back. It would remain locked away with its key lost at sea.
Truth is, I've gotten so used to feeling nothing, nothing is all I feel.
Sometimes I stare at a bottle and I wonder, was I this way before I stopped drinking? Did sobering up also purge any feeling I had left inside?
Because there are moments now when I think I feel connected to those feelings again...and in these moments, I start realizing how easy it is to fake those emotions.
And I realize just how empty I am.
I wasn't always this way, but I am now.
And I can deny it, run from it, but I cannot fight the Truth anymore. This is who I am.
This is who I've become.
Who I will be.
I cannot love without knowing what love is.
I can no longer pretend I know what that is like, because I no longer know, nor can I learn.
Nor do I feel the need, the want...to.
"My heart scares you, but a gun doesn't?" - Harleen Quinzel to Joker.
I needed to grow; and people kept telling me, "you can't love anyone until you learn to love yourself."
I got so invested in spoiling myself, in being selfish, in caring just about me.
I forgot how to care for others. To be selfless.
And I understand now that that only creates pain.
It hurts others.
And I will not allow that.
I need to be alone.
I thought I could change who I am.
But it doesn't matter what I do.
I'm what's wrong.
And I'm okay with that.