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A Sculpture With A Pulse

11/19/2016

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I thought that this was temporary; I had thought that there was a reason why I had shut down so much for so what felt like so long. Why I pushed everyone away, why I put up walls. I thought there was a reason why I had become who I had become. I thought there was a plan; that maybe someone would come along and finally show me again how to feel what I needed to feel.

I thought that perhaps I could find that which I had locked away and feel it again.

I was wrong.

Truth is, I was never going to get that back. It would remain locked away with its key lost at sea. 

Truth is, I've gotten so used to feeling nothing, nothing is all I feel. 

Sometimes I stare at a bottle and I wonder, was I this way before I stopped drinking? Did sobering up also purge any feeling I had left inside?

Because there are moments now when I think I feel connected to those feelings again...and in these moments, I start realizing how easy it is to fake those emotions.

And I realize just how empty I am.

I wasn't always this way, but I am now.

And I can deny it, run from it, but I cannot fight the Truth anymore. This is who I am.

This is who I've become.

Who I will be.

I cannot love without knowing what love is.

I can no longer pretend I know what that is like, because I no longer know, nor can I learn.

Nor do I feel the need, the want...to.​

"My heart scares you, but a gun doesn't?" - Harleen Quinzel to Joker.

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I am who I am


Where did I go wrong? I often think to myself, what did I miss? What was it that I did that finally pushed me over that edge?

Was it shutting everyone out? Getting rid of all the friends I had?

Was it me hardening up like a stone? Was it me denying I could feel again?

​
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I am Me


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I can't help who I've become, I see that now. I kept telling myself after I stopped drinking that I needed to be alone. To find myself. To reinvent myself. That I needed to accept It. 

I needed to grow; and people kept telling me, "you can't love anyone until you learn to love yourself."

I got so invested in spoiling myself, in being selfish, in caring just about me.

I forgot how to care for others. To be selfless.

And I understand now that that only creates pain.

It hurts others.

And I will not allow that.

I need to be alone.

I thought I could change who I am.

But it doesn't matter what I do.

I'm what's wrong.

And I'm okay with that.

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    Writer

    My name is Francisco, you can call me Zisco.

    Endings are hard, but in reality, nothing ever ends, does it?

    I'm not perfect, I'm just a human being. I make mistakes and I try to redeem myself. Life ain't easy, but I manage. I like to help people with their problems, but when they are too much for me to handle, I much rather not. I'm a great listener, but there are things I believe are better handled on your own.

    Check out my Deviantart website at: http://p1ls3n3r.deviantart.com/
    And while you are at it, check out my YouTube channel:  http://www.youtube.com/user/ziscokid88?feature=mhee

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