I had that feeling for over a year; I didn't want to go out, to do anything out in the open, or meet with anyone, I sunk into deep isolation and wanted nothing to do with anyone or anything at all. No activities in the sun. I enjoyed the darkness as it wrapped around me like a sheet, the feeling of isolation that I had dread for so long now was comforting. I didn't--couldn't go out. This constant "looking-over-my-shoulder" feeling was deep-rooted in fear and was controlling my life.
I won't deny that I deserved it, no. I had made a huge mistake, chosen to be irresponsible, and now was forced to live in fear.
I had caused that same fear towards someone prior to all this, so this was my penance. Karma, as some choose to believe. It was my turn to feel the system always looking out for me, to see if I made any mistakes. Just a little one would mean game over and back to the big house would be.
I lived in fear for a year and some months. I couldn't open up to people. I couldn't trust anyone. I was so afraid of the tiniest thing. I was no longer myself.
Probation will do that to you.
A stinking feeling of fucked-up-ness took over me. I had come to terms that I had to serve my penance for my mistakes, and that it would be a long while until I came afloat, but the hardest part was not that I was living in fear, but that the fear came from an idea, a person. A single individual that could, if provoked, ruin my life. In the law's eyes I was the bad guy and any single word from someone other than me could ruin me.
I couldn't test my luck, so I slowly put my head down and chose to abide by the new set of rules that governed my life.
I had no other choice.
Two years passed and I could finally breathe. Stop looking over my shoulder.
But is history doomed to be repeated? Can I really trust someone else again? Or is it simply going to just happen again?
Because that feeling---that fear. Is here. Is back.
And I'm losing sleep over it.
Is my penance not complete? Can I not be forgiven?
Or is this some kind of test? I have finally found room to breathe, so why do I feel like I'm suffocating? It's like I never really left the big house.
But why? Why can't I just trust someone else without facing ugly consequences? What am I doing wrong?
Bad shit happens when I get close to certain individuals. Those that I feel like I can trust, but it always seems to work out against me. The odds turn their face away from me.
And the fear enters my life again.
I can't shake it free.