Random Thoughts

Le Déception

3/25/2018

La faiblesse,
C'est un peché,
La méchanceté,
C'est ma nature.

Peur,
Je ne le sais pas,
Mon cher,
C'est un mensonge.

Déception,
C'est ma peur.
Pour être disjoint,
échouer Mère,
être un monstre.

Alors là je marche,
inapte au travail,
plus faible que certains,
Je dois arrêter.

Je suis désolé, Mère,
Je suis une déception.

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F.

10/25/2017

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Don't drop me,
hold me high,
don't let those wings cut my eyes,
don't you Fucking dare,
spit insults to me,
enough voices whisper, don't you see?

I showed up late,
late as always can be,
now you try to Fucking understand,
why I've been voted Free?

Rules change,
don't you know,
should have made a better wall.

But I see now more than ever,
I'll never be enough,
enough For you,
you Fucking asshole,
loosen these cuffs!

Fuck you,
I've tried,
now I got no will,
Fuck you,
always the odd one out,
Fuck you.

You hate me, sure,
I only ever tried to love,
For you took us in,
but did you have left... any will?

Or were you just doing it for kicks?
Letting each one have a piece?

F.
That's your letter.
Fuck you.
You're no better.

Not without us.
You're nothing.
Back then you were something.

F.
That's your letter.
Fuck you.
This is me.
I'm Forever.

So drop me if you must,
I'm used to hitting the ground,
I don't need wings,
I got you.

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I Crawl Dad, Why?

6/9/2017

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Different Looking Glass,
Vision Distorted Eyeglass,
Inquire Her Promptly,
Godly Mistake Costly.

Child Lost Mistaken,
Chapter Taken In.

Monster Shown Depraved,
Wayward Come Unscathed.

Prized Possession Given,
Loyal Chapter Written.

Ink Driven Skin,
Mind-Tear Break In.

Show Me More,
You Don't Bore.

Shut Lips Shattered,
Shared Blood Spatter.

Clear Note Written,
Careful Sins Unwritten.

Mole Started Within,
Bells Toll Berlin.

Inner Periscope Unbroken,
Fourth Warrior Chosen.

Time Apart Created,
Welcoming You Hated.

Should Have Noticed,
Close Friendship Unfocused.

Shattered Distance Longing,
Start Falling Bonding.

Another Lost Paralyzer,
Can't Analyze Her.

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A Bridge Slit

6/9/2017

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Knife Deep Cuts,
Smile Rotten Guts,
Once Upon Timeless,
Friendship Blossom Priceless,
Batgirl Broken Warrior,
Dirty Soul Interior.

Chapter Name Acquired,
Broken Smile Inspired!

Eyes Deceiving Promptly,
Whispered Sin Softly,
Shared Secret Trusted,
Blood Pact Seductive.

Protected Posterior Promised,
Kill Together Honest.

One Of Five,
Honored Swan Dive.

Coming Undone Delicacy,
Protected Warrior Indefinitely.

Happy Study Promptly,
Important One Strongly,
Kingdom Come Insanity,
Grant Her Amnesty.

Pardon Sin Committed,
Heroine Once Wicked,
Perfect Lost Mind,
Never Leave Behind.

Deep Sickness Inflicted,
Not Yet Dissected.

In Charge Forgiven,
My Control Given.

Cut Deepest Fear,
No Longer Near.

Smile Painted Then,
Blood Once Again.

No Wonder She
Disappears, No Guarantee
Finding Her Tracks,
Broken Traps Perhaps?

Laugh It Up,
Must Follow Up,
Some Catch Today,
With No Delay.

Departmental Lines Divide,
Passage Again Denied,
Follow Up Later,
Are You Traitor?

No Longer Talk,
Tick Tock Knock,
Come To Kill,
Your Blood Spill.

Had One Chance,
Stop Your Glance,
Makes Anger Wonder,
Dare Hunt Her?

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Looking Over Your Shoulder

12/19/2015

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Do you know what it is to feel afraid? That fear that sleeps within your gut, keeping you awake at night at times, making the clock in your head run wild. That deep-rooted fear of knowing the tiniest mistake and you could end up losing it all? Everything that you have accomplished so far, as you survive, try to get through the day. As you lie in bed trying to shut your eyes, a dead-weight keeps your lids from closing. Something just itching away at you won't leave you alone, and so you think, and think, and then start overthinking. That feeling of fear you are experiencing. That paranoia-induced sweat on your brow, that which feels cold to the touch, down to your cheeks, until you don't know whether it is still sweat or just tears running down your face.

Fear.

I had that feeling for over a year; I didn't want to go out, to do anything out in the open, or meet with anyone, I sunk into deep isolation and wanted nothing to do with anyone or anything at all. No activities in the sun. I enjoyed the darkness as it wrapped around me like a sheet, the feeling of isolation that I had dread for so long now was comforting. I didn't--couldn't go out. This constant "looking-over-my-shoulder" feeling was deep-rooted in fear and was controlling my life.

I won't deny that I deserved it, no. I had made a huge mistake, chosen to be irresponsible, and now was forced to live in fear.

I had caused that same fear towards someone prior to all this, so this was my penance. Karma, as some choose to believe. It was my turn to feel the system always looking out for me, to see if I made any mistakes. Just a little one would mean game over and back to the big house would be.

I lived in fear for a year and some months. I couldn't open up to people. I couldn't trust anyone. I was so afraid of the tiniest thing. I was no longer myself.

Probation will do that to you.

A stinking feeling of fucked-up-ness took over me. I had come to terms that I had to serve my penance for my mistakes, and that it would be a long while until I came afloat, but the hardest part was not that I was living in fear, but that the fear came from an idea, a person. A single individual that could, if provoked, ruin my life. In the law's eyes I was the bad guy and any single word from someone other than me could ruin me.

I couldn't test my luck, so I slowly put my head down and chose to abide by the new set of rules that governed my life.

I had no other choice.

Two years passed and I could finally breathe. Stop looking over my shoulder.

But is history doomed to be repeated? Can I really trust someone else again? Or is it simply going to just happen again?

Because that feeling---that fear. Is here. Is back.

And I'm losing sleep over it.

Is my penance not complete? Can I not be forgiven?

Or is this some kind of test? I have finally found room to breathe, so why do I feel like I'm suffocating? It's like I never really left the big house.

But why? Why can't I just trust someone else without facing ugly consequences? What am I doing wrong?

Bad shit happens when I get close to certain individuals. Those that I feel like I can trust, but it always seems to work out against me. The odds turn their face away from me.

And the fear enters my life again.

I can't shake it free.

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Writer

My name is Francisco, you can call me Zisco.

Endings are hard, but in reality, nothing ever ends, does it?

I'm not perfect, I'm just a human being. I make mistakes and I try to redeem myself. Life ain't easy, but I manage. I like to help people with their problems, but when they are too much for me to handle, I much rather not. I'm a great listener, but there are things I believe are better handled on your own.

Check out my Deviantart website at: http://p1ls3n3r.deviantart.com/
And while you are at it, check out my YouTube channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/ziscokid88?feature=mhee

Le Déception

F.

I Crawl Dad, Why?

A Bridge Slit

Looking Over Your Shoulder

Writer

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