Random Thoughts

Daddy J

9/21/2022

Jane:
Loving your dream
Carrying your pain
Watching me going slowly to my grave
Didn't know You
Didn't know You

J:
Sirotant la haine dans un verre de lait
Injectant des peurs dans mes petites veines cassantes
Je ne te connaissais pas
Je ne te connaissais pas

Jane:
Talking nonsense to me
I wish I could believe
Leaving me unattended
So little left to give

Duet:
Tue moi je suis un monstre
You made me cruel, but I'm not a failure
Tue moi je suis un monstre
Je t'en supplie maintenant parce que je suis
Pas un tueur
Heal me I'm a monster
Tu as renversé mon sang parce que je suis
Juste un rêveur
Kill me I'm a monster
You made me cry it will
soon be over

Jane:
Floating in your dream
Driven by your aim
Faking to be in
Laughing at my pain
Laughing at Your pain

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Carry His Weight

2/3/2022

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There's a war inside my head
Sometimes I wish that I was dead, I'm broken
So I call this therapist
And she said, "Girl, you can't be fixed, just take this."
… I'm tired of trying to be normal
I'm always over-thinking
I'm driving myself crazy
So what if I'm fucking crazy?
… And I don't need your quick fix
I don't want your prescriptions
Just 'cause you say I'm crazy
So what if I'm fucking crazy?
Yeah, I'm gonna show you
… Loco, maniac, sick bitch, psychopath
Yeah, I'm gonna show you
I'm gonna show you,
Yeah, I'm gonna show you
Mental out my brain, bad shit go insane
Yeah, I'm gonna show you
I'm gonna show you
Yeah, I'm gonna show you
… I've been searching city streets
Trying to find the missing piece like you said
And I say child don't need to find
There's not a single thing that's wrong with my mind
… Yeah, I'm tired of tryna be normal
I'm always over-thinking
Driving myself crazy
So what if I'm fucking crazy?
… And I don't need your quick fix
I don't want your prescriptions
Just 'cause you say I'm crazy
So what if I'm fucking crazy?
… I'm gonna show you

… Loco, maniac, sick bitch, psychopath
Yeah, I'm gonna show you
I'm gonna show you
Yeah, I'm gonna show you
Mental out my brain, bad shit go insane
Yeah, I'm gonna show you
I'm gonna show you
(I'm gonna show you)
… Crazy, crazy, yeah I'm gonna show you
Crazy, crazy, yeah I'm gonna show you
Crazy, crazy
… Tired of tryna be normal
I'm driving myself crazy
… And I don't need your quick fix
I don't want your prescriptions
Just 'cause you say I'm crazy
So what if I'm fucking crazy?
… Yeah, I'm gonna show you
… Loco, maniac, sick bitch, psychopath
Yeah, I'm gonna show you
I'm gonna show you,
Yeah, I'm gonna show you
Mental out my brain, bad shit go insane
Yeah, I'm gonna show you
I'm gonna show you
Yeah, I'm gonna show you

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Baby Doll & Flit

1/4/2022

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Last night a little sister came dancin' to my door
Last night a little devil came knocking on my walls
She said, come on, Baby Doll, I got a license for fun,
and if it expires, we won't have fun, hun,
becauseeee
In our midnight hour, we won't cry no more,
no more, no more

then
With a Rebel Yell she screamed,
you don't have to cry no more, no more!

She don't like boredom, Baby Doll won't sit still,
She'll party past dawn, never lonely, searching for the next thrill,
Then fun sets her free, and that's when she's brought to me, yeah!
Fun sets her free, oh free, free!

Daddy lives in his own heaven
Collects Monster drinks from the seven eleven
Well, when he's out all night, he turns it up,
just as long as he doesn't blow up!
He walks our world, Doll,
travels miles for you, Doll,
but I'll always dry your tears, Doll,
protect you from Him, Doll.
I'll keep you safe, Doll,
until the midnight hour swings by again, Doll.

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Mother's Daughter, Father's Sin

9/24/2021

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"Listen to me, please, just fucking listen!"
"Why--wh--why why would I? Do you have any idea what carrying that kind of pain is like?"
"Daughter, I do. More than you could ever know. But he did this--it isn't your fault."
"Not my fault? Like it fucking matters! I'm my father's daughter--this--this fucking disgusting offspring that I just--just, just just I can't..."
"But you are also your mother's daughter. My sweet, sweet baby girl."
"Momma, I just--What the fuck am I gonna do, huh? I'm always going to be looked at by people out there for who he made me."
"No. I won't let that happen. Your uncle Romy won't let that happen. Hell, even T, my darling, T will help guide you."
"I shouldn't be here! I don't want to be here! I told you I didn't ask for this!"

"No one ever asks for this--no one ever wishes they be what we are. It just simply happens, Jane, my darling. So I need you to just pull your boots by their bootstraps and carry on with me, please. I am begging you--don't grow bitter and angry and with your heart full of so much hate that it's the only thing that keeps you going. I want you to be better-- I need you to come with me. We have to go see Doc."
"Ha-haaa! Like fucking therapy ever did anything for you, Momma!"
"Well, you don't have a choice-- and you are going to come with me, because I'm going to tell you right fucking now, what comes next? What you're going to see your Uncle Romy and I do to your father? You're going to need the fucking therapy session."
"What--what does that fucking mean? I thought--"
"We have him. Your dad. We have J. And you're not going to like it--but I need you to be strong."

*****************************

Doc's Office, Months Later

"H0w d1d th4t m4k3 y0u f33l, J4n3?"
"How the fuck do you think? That's kind of a stupid fucking question, isn't it, Gramps?"
"J4n3, pl3453... 1 n33d y0u t0 c00p3r4t3."
"Okay, okay okayyyy fine, fuck! It made me feel fucking good, okay? Is that what you wanna hear? It felt great to beat the living shit out of my own father? That I enjoyed sticking those bamboo sticks under his fingernails? That I indulged in watching his tears mix with his own blood and sweat? I swear to fuck, Doc, they all say I need therapy and that I'm the crazy one, but honestly if this is the kind of shit that gets you off, you're more fucked up than I am."

"1 4m h3r3 t0 h3lp y0u, th4t 15 4ll."
"Look, can you just fucking give me my pills and get me on my way? I'm fucking bored."
"N0t y3t."
"Why the fuck not? Ughhhh come on! I need to meet with Happy. Babydoll and him have to go play hide and seek. And Happy just made this whole new room with lots of cool shit in it, like an escape room and shit! It's sick."
"Th3 ch1ld c4n w41t, w3 4r3n't f1n1sh3d h3r3. H0w 15 R0m4n d34l1ng w1th y0u h3lp1ng h1m?
"How do you fucking think? He loves it. He feels teaching me gives him a sense of purpose or whatever the fuck."
"4nd y0ur 515t3r M4z1k33n?"

"Ha-haaaa! Again, stupid question. She hates it. She's jealous that Uncle Romy is hanging out with me more than her. I mean, shit, Doc..."
"4nd C455?"
"Momma is doing her own thing, Doc, you know this... She's too busy out there in the world with new friends and shit. I see her from time to time...when she's not partying like she's a fucking teenager..."
"W3 4ll c4rry p41n d1ff3r3ntly."
"Oh yeah? Ha-haa! And how exactly do you fucking carry it? You don't leave this fucking office anymore? And why haven't I met some of the others, huh? Where the fuck are they? They think they can just run away and not deal with this or what? Heard one of them is a fucking minotaur or some shit? Like that's pretty badass, Doc."
"F0cu5."
"Nah, fuck this, I'm out... give me my pills so I can fucking move on, ya?"

************************************

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Pain

6/3/2021

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"A job? What the fuck do you know about what my job has to be?"
"I am just asking for help, Daughter."
"Right, like I fucking asked to be here! Like I have a responsibility even though I want nothing to do with that shit. Bullshit. You are such a helicopter parent, Momma."
"I am just looking out for you, which in turn, means I am looking out for the whole, that is all... I am not asking for much, Jane."
"You're asking for a fucking lot--because why? You got tired of playing all of a sudden? Shit got old for you, huh?"
"You are in this just as much as the others. So stop complaining like a 12 year old and take charge, damn it."
"Oooh, haha! Take charge, right, okay, with you watching my every move, right, so much for being 'in charge', Momma. Fuck!"
"I told you. I'm just here to help."
"If that's so, then why can't you make it go away?"
"What--"
"The pain. Make it go away..."
"I cannot do that, Jane. Pain is part of life. Pain is what drives me, what gets me out of bed every morning."
"Pain is bullshit. Daddy never dealt with pain."
"Jane..."

I'd just hate for somebody to need me
I need you now
Can't you just love me or leave me?
I figured out
Like to be trapped in the feeling
I feel it now
Pain
'Cause I can't help
Turning my love into pain
And I can't help
Turning my love into pain

You and I just get along
I wonder how I'll fuck it up
Pain
I know that I'm difficult
I hope it makes my wallet full
Pain
I'd just hate for somebody to need me
I need you now
Can't you just love me or leave me?
I figured out
Like to be trapped in the feeling
I feel it now
Pain
'Cause I can't help
Turning my love into pain
And I can't help
Turning my love into pain

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Drowning Was My Home

5/25/2021

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Before my garment lost it's white
Before I saw my father cry
When fear was never on my mind
Take me there
When all I saw was silver gold
When shadows didn't have a hold
Before I always needed more
Take me there

Bring me to the garden where we'd go
And cleanse my soul, cleanse my soul
Free me of this anger that I hold
And make me whole, make me whole

Darling, won't you let it go?
You don't have to let it hold you
Listen to the light
Don't let the darkness take you

Always in this inner fight
Do I listen to the voice that says
I'm worthless, never will be right
Do I try to keep my head up high?
Though I feel that I deserve it all
These daggers going through my chest
Can't you see the devastated souls,
The remains of my own foolishness?

And your memories aren't your destiny
And your memories aren't your destiny
Your memories aren't your destiny
Your memories aren't your destiny

If I looked you in the eye
And showed the broken things inside
I won't run away, I won't run away
If you saw my darkest parts
The wicked things inside my heart
I won't run away, I won't run away

Ask me for my number
Yeah, you put me on the spot
You think that we should hook-up
But I think that we should not
You had me at hello
Then you opened up your mouth
And that is when it started going south
Oh!
Get your hands off my hips
'Fore I punch you in the lips
Stop your staring at my-
Hey!
Take a hint take a hint

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Daddy J

Carry His Weight

Baby Doll & Flit

Mother's Daughter, Father's Sin

Pain

Drowning Was My Home

K

Switches

Alters