It's Who You Know

Who You Hurt

3/19/2025

"Close to people,
I was once,
took me days and months,
to realize."

There is nothing more painful than to watch those who care about you walk away. Except, that is, realizing they're walking away because of you--or what you did to them.

This is one of life's hardest lessons out there; for people like me, it has happened multiple times, over and over again, like a sick cycle that is stuck on repeat with no end in sight.

The problem was, that most of those times it occurred, I never realized it was because of me. I was the problem. I caused those people to walk away; and by the gods above, they hung around me longer than they probably should have.

In the end, all I could do was put on a smile.

Smile and wave them goodbye.

See, sometimes who you know, is who you hurt.

And for me, it has gradually become an easier pill to swallow.

Up until a year ago, I still had an inner circle. Then came the time when something horrible took over my life, and hit me hard on the nogging, making me realize what I would need to do next.

And this, was to completely obliterate my friendships.

So I did.

I pushed everyone away.

One.

Last.

Time.

And now, what do I feel?

Nothing.

I feel nothing.

Does it make me a horrible person? Did I spare them the trouble I would bring or continue to bring?

Was it selfish of me to do this? Some of those individuals took it very hard, others denied it, and some, were just angry at me for it.

Understandable, sure.

Did I do it for me?

One hundred percent.

And I should have done it sooner.

Now I just let those chips fall where they may.

"Close to people,
I was once,
took me days and months,
to realize--
had I done this years before,
saved them pain and bore,
perhaps I could have then being able to see,
that it was what I needed to be free."

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Who Carries You

9/23/2019

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Friends: there are tons of those in life. The ones who are there when you need a favor, the ones that are there when they need a favor from you. Friends who accompany you, friends who lend you a hand. Friends who hurt you, friends who love you. The list goes on.

With friends like these... who carries you?

Who truly gives you that push, that lift. Who helps you climb that mountain?

I remember years ago, when I was a nobody in high school. No one gave me the time of day, no one gave a shit. And I was fine with it. I minded my own business, went along with my own day. I got used to be alone. A loner. Lonely. But truth is, I never really was. Not the way I saw it, not really. I always had a best friend there for me. And yes, sometimes I took it for granted. Sometimes I ignored that he was there. Most of the time it was because I didn't understand, or I was jealous.

This person was my brother.

My younger brother. Blood brother by birth. Separated by two years. This crazy sumbitch was the light of the place wherever he went. I never caught a person not smiling when Juan was in the room. Well, except from me. I always watched from afar, wondering what was it that made him different from me. Why was everyone looking at him. Not at me.

But this was high school; my grandfather always told me, your high school years, they don't matter, your high school years-- you'll never remember.

Well, he was half right.

I do remember. Some of it--and what I do remember, is that every time I fell apart, every time I felt alone. Every time I felt broken-- those times, my brother was always there. And boy, were there a lot of those times back then for me.

I was a mess.

But aren't we all in our high school years?

I did a lot of stupid shit back then, but it wasn't until after high school--when I thought I had my future figured out--that I fell hard. Harder than I ever had before.

And the one time I really should have asked for help, instead of pushing it all inside me, letting it cook and bubble up to explode--the one important time in my life when I needed my brother--I pushed him away. I told him "I'll handle it."

And my brother being my younger brother, he listened, and he let me handle it. But I couldn't handle shit to save my own life.

This was a lesson I'd have to learn the hard way.

I will most certainly never forget this moment in my life.

What's worse is that I put that burden on my brother. I told him I'd handle it, to not worry about me. To let me do my thing. I told him to let it be. To let me go. To keep my secret.

I should have never done that. I should have never put that responsibility on him. It wasn't something that he needed to carry. Especially when he was already carrying me.

I'm supposed to be the big brother. The example. The responsible one that protects the younger one. I'm supposed to be a leader. I'm supposed to be the mature one. I'm supposed to be all these things---

But the more I look at my brother, the more I look at how far he's come, what he's accomplished, what he's done to get to where he is---

I see inspiration. I see power. I see bravery. I see strength.

I am proud.

I remember years ago in high school, after one night of drunken stupidity, everyone in that town then knew my name. Knew who I was. And they all would talk to my brother about it. I had gotten some notoriety that I wanted--but it wasn't what I wanted. I was never proud of that. And it wasn't because of the act, but because I felt like that was just a disappointment.

That it was something my brother wasn't proud of--that it was something he wouldn't have wanted to hear.

You see, I wanted to be the big brother. The example. And that moment hindered that.

As today turns towards 5 a.m., twenty nine years ago, my brother was about to be born.

I was just a toddler back then. I had no idea what was about to happen.

But I will tell you this.

The few memories I have left in my library, from those days--- my brother was always there.

When I was sick and my father went to the toy store to buy me a stuffed animal--a seal that squealed when you squished her tummy.

When my father showed me his belt the first time I truly understood what misbehaving really meant.

When I got in a fight with him and punched the air out of my brother, scaring my mother to death.

When we went to the zoo in Mexico to see all my favorite animals.

When we walked up the pyramids.

When my pet turtle fell from the third floor.

When we used to pick ladybugs in small containers by the outside trees in our neighborhood.

When we cared for our pet rabbit.

When we held my birthday party with my friends at home and watched a movie, and my dog chased down a rat that had sneaked in.

When we said goodbye to our father.

When we came back for the funeral of our grandfather.

When we used to run up and down the stairs of out great-aunt's old building.

When we got sunburn at the beach.

When I was a mess.

When we were apart.

He was always--is always... there.

Happy birthday, Juan.

Thank you for being you.

Thank you for carrying me...when I should have been carrying you.

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Who Can Destroy You

12/12/2017

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Hidden,
Not Forgotten,
Long Ago,
Now You're Rotten.

You Pretended To Like Me,
I Know,
We Used To Be Brothers,
So Long Ago.

We Chanted,
Drank Together,
Screamed Letter By Letter,
Now You're The Transgressor.

You Reached Out,
Is It True?
Can't Believe You Would Think Brown Was Blue.
But Do Not Worry,
For Now It's Over.

Leave It To The Red God To Pacify Us Brothers.

But Don't Think For A Minute We Won't Be Ready,
If This Is A Ruse,
A Game,
Or If You Are Planning To Hurt Us,
Remember My Name.

And Remember The Promise You And I Made,
That Nothing Good Would Ever Come From Our End,
Because If We Fought,
We Would Only Destroy Each Other,
Remember That...
"Brother."

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Who Can Hurt You

11/8/2015

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I ran into someone from my past while I was at work tonight. It was an unexpected meeting, a short one, which felt as if it went on for longer than it should have. This meeting was something that I have imagined before in my mind, a thought that I've only entertained for a second because I wanted to see if I could imagine it as how I would want it to go if it did happen in real life. Thing is, it did happen in real life, and no--it didn't go as I had planned it. It never seems to happen that way. Perhaps because there was something deep inside me that wanted to hear him out. Or maybe because I was in work uniform and technically while being on boss mode, I had to hear him out so as to not treat him like garbage, but as a human being. I've tried so hard to push away my humanity in order to be able to feel less, to care less, in order to do so more for myself than others. It has been an excruciating and confusing year for me because I've always been so caring for others than for myself. After my DUI and almost throwing away my future as well as my life, and after a lot of therapy in class, I have come to realize--as you will read on previous posts--that my selfishness is not so much as to stop caring for others, but more so for caring for my own well-being only. This has been a drastic change to my life, but a much needed one during the past couple of years. I pushed away my two only best friends at the time and I told myself that they will never re-enter my life for the sake of staying on the safe side. I had decided to stay sober for the rest of my life, and it was something that was serious to me, and something that would never work with my two best friends, so I had to end that friendship. So why is it that when I run into one of them at work, after two years of not seeing him, I am unable to just brush him off. Instead, I hear him out, I play it like we're still good friends, why is that? Deep in my heart I tell myself that I am just hearing him out, that I am telling him what he wants to hear. Especially when he tells me he wants to hang out sometime, that I should hit him up. It's not so much the flashbacks of good memories that kill me, but the fact that he tells me that throughout the two years he's been out of my life, he, too, has been stuck in a hole and is finally resurfacing. Damn you, empathy. So what do I do? I proceed to lie, to tell him what he wants to hear. That I will hit him up, text him and ask him to hang out. No. I can't. Won't. Don't want to.

You see, it's the people you know--really, really know--that end up hurting you in the end. It is because you build this great bond with someone that eventually, when you have to let go, it hurts like a motherfucker and it's something that stays with you. Forever.

I wish I could just close that chapter of my book, but the damn page is always sticking out. Old memories never really fade away, they just get buried, and resurface when you least expect it. Like the past, it always finds a way to reach back to you, and bite you in the ass.

Por esto prefiero ahora estar solo. Aunque sea en soledad, me encuentro a mi mismo. Y a nadie mas.

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Who Matters

8/18/2013

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"People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually."

Someone once told me, "be careful who you choose to keep in your life" as a sort of warning. At the time, I didn't really put too much thought to it. I guess I was too busy worrying about other things. It wasn't up until recently that I really started to think about it. This is because in life, it's the people you know that matters. Once it comes down to a struggle that you can't face on your own, you really start thinking about who to ask for help. And sometimes, that someone can either be right there waiting to help, or not at all.

Sometimes you go along life thinking that the people that are part of your life are important, but sometimes you miss the mark. Sometimes you don't realize that you are keeping people that don't need to be there. And it's not until a really difficult time in your life that you consider whether they should be there at all. When this realization appears in your mind, you are left with a decision that is both hard, but right to do.

Sometimes you just have to let go.

Sometimes you can't let people hold you back, weigh you on, keep you from the kind of life you want to have.

Sometimes the only way to be fair both to yourself and to them, is to cut the ties and move on.

And when you do this, you'll realize that despite the pain that comes with making this decision, in the end, it was the right thing to do.

- For a friend.

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Writer

My name is Francisco, you can call me Zisco.

Endings are hard, but in reality, nothing ever ends, does it?

I'm not perfect, I'm just a human being. I make mistakes and I try to redeem myself. Life ain't easy, but I manage. I like to help people with their problems, but when they are too much for me to handle, I much rather not. I'm a great listener, but there are things I believe are better handled on your own.

Check out my Deviantart website at: http://p1ls3n3r.deviantart.com/
And while you are at it, check out my YouTube channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/ziscokid88?feature=mhee

Who You Hurt

Who Carries You

Who Can Destroy You

Who Can Hurt You

Who Matters

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