Random Thoughts - The Women In My Life

Chapter One Hundred And Three: Sapphire

10/16/2025

I came unclean,
wanted to search for the light,
could this place bring me back,
from this messed up life?
Could you show me the way?
I kept fading to black,
I kept falling apart,
could this place unbreak my heart?

So I could breathe,
before I slip away,
before it's all too late,
before I fade away,
I need to breathe,
before I fade away,
while there's little left to save,
could you help me?
I want to breathe.

I heard the bells ringing,
was my time running out?
Only demons calling,
with nowhere to run,
I couldn't silence the sound,
could you show me a sign,
keep me from falling apart?
Before my mind shatters again,
and I cannot find my way?

So I could breathe,
before I slip away,
before it's all too late,
before I fade away,
I need to breathe,
before I fade away,
while there's little left to save,
could you help me?
I want to breathe.

Can anyone hear me?
I'm fading,
I'm falling down,
and restless,
help me push through,
I need help now

I fade to black,
searching for the light still,
who can bring me back,
from this intoxicated life?

Now I can breathe,
no longer slipping away,
no longer too late,
no longer do I fade away,
now I can breathe,
no longer do I fade away,
now I can breathe,
no longer too late,
I finally feel so saved,
now I can breathe.

I can finally breathe,
(my life is saved)
been rescued now,
I can finally breathe,
(my life is saved)
been rescued now,
I can finally breathe,
(my life is saved)
been rescued now.
I can finally breathe,
(I can finally,
I can finally,
I can finally)
been rescued now

I can finally breathe.

Chapter One Hundred And Two: Ray a' Sunshine

10/16/2025

Come one come all,
pick yourself up after the fall,
there's a lot more yet to see,
come one come all,
be free.

Around you there's hope,
a lot more beyond your scope,
follow her teachings and you will see,
come one come all,
be free.

If you keep wanna keep learnin',
then join us, it's never-endin',
You are never alone,
along the times, we'll be changin'

Come one and come all,
we'll never surrender to the fall,
so keep your ears to the earth,
and together we'll find your worth.
Do not leave too soon,
for the learnin' is just startin',
You've no idea how entuned,
one with nature, you're grounded.

For the patient endures,
no shortcuts, no detours,
along these times, we'll be changin'
Come one and come all,
please listen to our call,
don't fear it, embrace it,
let's break through this wall.
To be is to live,
no matter how big or how small,
life teaches us patience,
so join us and know all,
along the times, we'll be changin',

Come one and come all,
through the earth we'll explore,
won't leave a soul behind,
this is what you'll soon understand,
your friends and your family,
will join us across the land,
and together as we learn and grow,
wipe the sweat off your brow,
along these times, we are changin'

The goal is set,
together we'll wipe the debt,
the moment is now,
you'll stay true if you'll allow
And past tomorrow we'll be free,
stay with us, you will see,
that learning is never fadin',
you'll be the first to know,
that we'll always make it last,
along these times, we keep changin'

Chapter One Hundred And One: M.C. Bombastic

10/12/2025

I've been chasin' my life for some time (some time, some time)
With my grinnin' smile and my bottle of wine
(bottle of wine, bottle of wine)
On these long, scary lonely roads
(lonely roads, lonely roads)
I kept searchin', but to no avail,
I guess I had to run away, run away,
cuz I lost my way, lost my way,
Cuz I lost my way, each day,
Cuz I lost my way, gotta find my way, find my way, ay-ay-ay-ay-ay

I left from momma's with no end in sight,
the seasons changin', a freeze headed my way
Heart made of stone, but soft as tissue within,
they say legends are made out of issues and a mean grin,
brought myself to the edge of death,
still managed to live out of spite,
God kept giving me multiple signs and second chances,
Sold my soul to the bottle despite circumstances,
Same ol' reboot with no end in sight,
gave up hope even with all my might,
became selfish and ran out of my second chances,
getting close to hitting a wall with no chance to advance it
but in the end eventually I wanted deliverance,
so I yelled....

I've been chasin' my life for some time (some time, some time)
With my grinnin' smile and my bottle of wine
(bottle of wine, bottle of wine)
On these long, scary lonely roads
(lonely roads, lonely roads)
I kept searchin', but to no avail,
I guess I had to run away, run away,
cuz I lost my way, lost my way,
Cuz I lost my way, each day,
Cuz I lost my way, gotta find my way, find my way ay-ay-ay-ay-ay

Cannot recall a time when I loved myself unconditionally,
wine glass in hand, "this one's assault to injury!"
what's another concussion but repeat of history?
Called the same "friends" and it's "sick of your same ol' sh**"
Looked at my reflection screaming, "dammit Z, you had it
Why'd you have to keep drinking and unbalance?"
Then people started questioning your choices,
were you just another self-abuser pain-addict?
Kept hiding just to avoid finding my way,
lost all those "friends" when you went straight,
so go ahead and keep track, remember it,
took me years, still lookin' for deliverance.

I've been chasin' my life for some time (some time, some time)
With my grinnin' smile and my bottle of wine
(bottle of wine, bottle of wine)
On these long, scary lonely roads
(lonely roads, lonely roads)
I kept searchin', but to no avail,
I guess I had to run away, run away,
cuz I lost my way, lost my way,
Cuz I lost my way, each day,
Cuz I lost my way, gotta find my way, find my way ay-ay-ay-ay-ay
Took everything to atone for the pain I had caused,
the trust I shattered still staining my soul,
took my belongings and sold them to the poor,
it was then I discovered what it's like to be a voyeur,
Watchin' my whole life pass me by, got distance between my brothers,
slowly tore at the image of the son that once made proud--my mother--
I honestly can say that over time I re-started lovin' me,
growing closer to the image of who I'm 'possed to be,
I bury now the old version of sin,
with my family's support I can go back to being a King,
the internal healin' ain't no coincidence,
because in the end it brought me to deliverance,
So I say...
I'm done chasin' my life, no I'm here (I'm here, I'm here)
With my family by my side and my brother's in arms,
(brothers in arms, brothers in arms)
No longer going down scary roads,
(scary roads, scary roads)
I'm done searchin', now I've found purpose,
no longer lost in my way, lost in my way,
no longer lost, I say, lost I say,
cuz I found my way, I found my way, found my way, found my way, ay-ay-ay-ay-ay

Chapter One Hundred: Porcelain Doll

9/29/2025

I Know What You're Thinking, Dear Reader, And No, It Isn't What You Think.

Not Trying To Re-Start The Chapters, Simply Watching The Novel Write Itself,
I Am But A Scribe Now.

A witness, T?

You Can Call It That, Z.

Imagine that. Growth.

Or Merely Character Development?

No, I need you just like you need me. So go ahead and write. I'll listen.

********************************************************
Through The Shadows, Through The Smoke,
There Comes A Little Porcelain Doll,
Who Are You And What Has Brought You Here?
Burning Low That Fire Inside Me Lies,
So I Rise Again, Did You Catch My Sneer?

I Won't Give In To My Old Ways,
The Story Is Different Now,
"Old Habits Die Hard"
That's The Phrase

I Rise From Ruin, Standing Tall,
A Lot Being Learned,
From Them And Now You,
I Devour Knowledge,
If It Helps Blue.

Book In My Hand,
Healing Process Started
I Will Take The Stand,
For I Am The Storm,
Lion-Hearted

Little Porcelain Doll,
Thank You For Your Contribution.

I No Longer Crawl,
I Run.
Towards The Solution.
Sobriety.

My Only Forward Evolution.

Chapter Ninety-Nine: Loona

9/29/2025

Hello, there.
"Hello, sir"
Have you seen the--
"Moon, yes I have."
Brings that peace and balance.
"Is that one of your talents?"
What, speaking in riddles?
"And eating a whole bag of skittles."

Don't quite remember--
"How we met? Well, right here."
That's what I feared.
"Why is that scary?"
Wish it was the contrary.
"So tell me what's the matter?"
Why, what say the chatter?

Everything will be okay, right?
"Why? What say your foresight?"
Just have had this feeling many times before.
"Too good to be true, like a trap set for you to fall for?"

Have you seen the--
"Moon? *sigh* Yes... I have."
Right.

Chapter Ninety-Eight: Miss Moody

9/29/2025

Fake smiles,
fake mood piles,
easier to pretend,
to assimilate,
to copy and paste,
to help carry the weight.

Are you honest,
or ever the ironist,
for fool's game need not played,
no matter how much it might sway your way.

Do I entrust you with my secrets,
or will you surprise my back with a knife,
no longer the reckless,
I've learned from my strifes.

Young enough to know better,
but keep trying,
I'm already ten steps ahead,
from A to Z,
follow the letter.

Chapter Ninety-Seven: Doc

9/12/2025

Hey, Doc,
nice to meet you,
and just in luck.

Perfect timing I would say,
all things considered,
much things to discuss,
if I may?

How to start and where to begin,
trying hard to erase that grin.

Is it fair to start like this,
there's just so much to unpack,
not sure if blowing up,
or let it hit you like a heart attack.

This sure seems like a good beginning,
to find what's within,
now lost in the Aether,
no longer feel seen.

Your ideas and homework seem to be working,
maybe We'll find that lost child in there lurking.

The Creative Subconscious starved from hope,
almost feels like We're at the end of our rope--
Stop!

What comes after?
Is this how to avoid disaster?
You give Us the tools,
We just need to surrender,
Abandon hope he/she who enters?
No!

In time perhaps We'll uncover,
what is now hidden,
while We stay sober.

Will you stay with Us, Doc?
She's in for the long road.

Just in luck.

Chapter Ninety-Six: Little Fiend

6/15/2025

I miss you more than I have so far tonight
You weren't joking when you said you'd left nothing behind
Now I'm wandering around the flat and smoking where I like
It's never been as empty as it is tonight, and it's huge
Now I'm alone between its walls
Hard to believe we used to think that it was too small
I did what I thought I had to, to protect you
Did my best to keep my beasts at bay
Too late I realized that you would never pledge you whole hand in
But you delivered on my bluff and went straight back to him
Hard to believe
The joke was always on me
Your punchline was so low
You know just how to hit them all
I miss you more than I have so far tonight
I can't see in out cause you're fucking up my mind
It was far too hard to sleep, so I took myself outside
To screw you out on a summer's night
The odds were good but there's no leaving you behind
So I learned patience and placed on my bed some time
I did what I thought I had to, to protect you
Did my best to keep my beast at bay
Too late I realized that you would never pledge you whole hand in
But you delivered on my bluff and went straight back to him

Chapter Ninety-Five: Traveler

6/13/2025

Where did you go now?
We were just getting close...
I told you if you wanted those doors opened,
that they would not close--

Hehehe

Regret it now?
Wish you could take my words back?
I'd like to give you back yours--
Sweet sorrow,
that look on your face,
knowing the War doesn't end--
it's been going on for years,
my eyes now hollow,
they were once hers.

Ma sœur?
No, don't you worry about her,
she's fine,
tight short chain,
why don't YOU come back?

Quit traveling, my my,
join me in unraveling, hi hi.

Or is it hey, hey,
why don't you lay your head on my lap again,
remind me-- and stay.

You can travel tomorrow,
We got Time on Our side.

Come on join Us,
join the tide.

Hehehe.

Feel the pulse,
hear my heart,
we might be just skin and bones,
You and I...

But do not say it yet--
don't say "bye."

You haven't seen Him yet.

Skin and bones He is not,
there is quite a lot more underneath,
under all that Rot.

Chapter Ninety-Four: Apollonia

5/17/2025

Singer,
Songwriter,
Artist,
Fighter.

Stranger went to a strange land,
time passed her by like granules of sand.

There was a bit of late talk,
talk later in that night,
where all I felt was fright.

Saw me full saw me whole,
I presented to you vulnerable,
bared my soul.

Understood me,
respected me,
forgave me--

You were in my path for a bit,
small moment,
then gone you were,
clickety split.

Add you to the list,
how could I not?
Do you remember me?
I've forgotten you, not.

You taught me to be kind to myself,
and I still try,
as I close another Chapter,
return to the Library this long Overdue book...
I put it up on the shelf
as I keep thinking I might change--
but deep down I know it's a lie.

I'll listen to your music perhaps another day,
what a Wicked Game it is...
...I'll forever play.

Tortured God

I have come to realize that along the endearing journey most people call life, I’ve met (and still am currently meeting) countless numbers of women that have left a huge impact in my life.

Whether it was pure randomness or coincidence, or perhaps fate, that is up for you to decide.

Certain events have occurred and certain consequences had been brought. I am not pointing fingers nor throwing out blame, but most of these Chapters haven't ended well.

Some remain, some have completely left my life. Some are still around and some have yet to resurface.

For every action there is an equal reaction, and when it comes to the women in my life, this is often the case.

I have always had my best intentions in mind, but something that is recurrent is that my emotions tend to cloud my judgement and tend to get in the way of things.

So let me start at the beginning, recollecting memories, thoughts, and remembering dreams of what happened once, what happened next, and what will continue to happen after.

This is the story of The Women in My Life. The Companion blog to this is The Men in My Life, right below this tab.

Without further ado, let me welcome you to my recollection of true events, true people, but most of all, just the plain and simple God-honest, blunt and painful Truth about my Chapters and I.

Do not expect a happy ending to some, however...

This isn’t a fairy-tale.

This...is Truth's Chapters.

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