Random Thoughts - Deus Ex Machina

Dear God

9/14/2020

Dear God,
He who resides in the machine,
He who types away all those quotes in the books,
He who whispers in my ears,
Dear God,
do you believe in me?
I don't believe in you.

If gods are real,
why am I standing here?

Do you see what's happened,
the suffering and the pain?
Do you think it fair,
as you sit there in your lair?

Well, then, let me show you a secret,
let me show you my side,
he who would disgrace your name,
and embrace it for himself.

I am sure you've met,
Truth be told,
it's been written in stone--
Just like in Egypt,
his name of believers was Set.

Wears the same color,
you'd know,
I gave it to him.
So I'll reap what I sow.

But my Truth is different.
That is to come true.

I have something planned for him.

The storm coming is me,
he is merely the rain,
but thunder is pain,
and a masochist cannot exist without it,
without me.

So I'll give him what he's always fought,
what his true nature he would have never sought.

I will show him his true nature,
the reason why I sold him out,
years of torture,
this is what's been brought.

Do you hear that, brother?
Do you hear that Truth?
Pain is coming.
And its color is Blue.

Run

11/2/2017

Hahaha, really now?
Gonna steal Halloween from me,
fine,
you can kiss it!

You think you're in charge,
boy I haven't missed it.

Fuck you for pairing me up with the others,
had I known,
things gone differently!
Not a bother!

But fuck you I was following rules,
not to even talk about it...
Mention it either, you tool!

But whatever, now you're playing King of the castle?
Fuck, you better catch up, asshole.

You don't even know her...
I know.

You think you can fall for her?
Show me then, "bro."

Seriously...
I already agreed to fight for her,
don't you know?
Roman thought I could bring balance to you all,
here I am!
So?

Hate me all you want,
I ain't leaving,
make new rules all you want,
I ain't giving...
My place next to her is already reserved,
so suck it!
While you're down there,
kiss it!
And don't forget it.

I stopped a war so we could share her,
doesn't that mean anything to you, F?
Better taste my liquor!

Maybe next year I'll have Halloween,
but don't worry,
I'll make sure they remember her birthday!
The Queen's!

Things happen for a reason, godfucking damn it,
learn it!

That's why the 24th no longer means fear,
and Z knows it!

So yeah, sure, keep me leashed,
that's what you'll do...
I see you've cleaned my drawer,
haha, left me a present from the priest.

But you can't change that I've fallen for her,
you hear?

I'll always come back for her, brother,
even though I'm your greatest fear.

So as you read this, babe,
just remember,
I love you,
nothing will change that.

Tea-Time

10/11/2017

"T3ll m3 th3N, aR3 yOu r3aDy?"
"Sure, let's get a move on, shall we?"
"T, please... try."
"We're All In This."
"Together, Mister!!"
"Pl34s3, c0m3 1n."
"Muevanse, pues."
"Come on, fellas. Doc's waiting."

*****************
Observation: a gathering. A gathering of minds. Minds that--yes, our minds.
Conclusion: I feel as a responsibility, as a Guardian, I must watch over. I must jot down results, from this support group.

******************

*************
Observation: they enter the room, I follow. Doc already has separate chairs in separate corners of the room set up, close enough to each other but far enough to not suffocate each other.
Question: will therapy work?
Answer: therapy is an acquired taste. Not everyone has it.

Observation: Theo sits down first, covering his arms, scoffing. Across the room, Roman faces him; diagonally from him you got Zisco and next to him Xavier. A joyous laugh fills the room from across Xavier, giving Happy his perfect spot to sit down. To the right of Theo.
Deduction: Happy always tries to loosen up Theo. Theo rarely responds positively.
Observation: our sister sits diagonally from Theo.
Deduction: our sister likes to keep a close eye on Theo, but is interested on his reactions to the others.
Observation: Doc enters the room last. As he walks over to his recliner, he welcomes us.

***************

"sH4LL w3 b3G1n?"
"I do not need therapy. Therapy does not work on me."
"Th3r4py D0eS n0T w0rK oN y0U b3c4us3 y0u d0nT aLL0w 1t t0."
"It doesn't work on me because I know all the tricks. How many more times we gonna do this song and dance, Doc?"

*********
Observation: Theo gets tense immediately soon after; he's stiff, while the hairs on the back of his neck are standing. Doc notices that, holds his left arm and rubs it hard. He wants Theo to understand. Why there are many means of influence...other than violence.

*****************

"Doc, if I may interrupt a moment, I believe since all of us are here, we should definitely switch back and forth speaking between each other... rather than focusing it all on T."

**************

Observation: our sister intervenes, she feels it is necessary to ground Theo in order for this therapy session to work.

**************

"C4554nDr4, w3 aR3 4LL h3r3 f0R T. H0w3v3R, 1 th1NK p3rHapS 4n aCt1v1Ti3 w0uLD b3 pL34s4nT."

"I just want him to stop being so fucking angry. I don't want him to relapse."

"L00k1nG 4T ouR cuRR3nT s1tu4t1on, y0u h4v3 4LL agr33D 0n 0n3 c0mm0N 1nd1v1dU4L th4T gR0UNds e4ch 0f yOu: 0uR w0M4n, 0Ur Qu33N.
Th1nk 4bOuT wh4t I'll 4sK n3xt v3ry C4r3fuLLy... wh4T 1s 0n3 Th1nG y0u 4LL l1k3 fr0M h3r?"

"Oooh! Can I go first?? Can I please Mister Doctor Man!"

***********

Observation: Doc motions Happy to go first, and what develops next is a beautiful scene, one which I haven't seen in so long it seems. After the War, there was nothing but pain, and rebuilding--but mostly pain. Even after it was over, we all stood divided. In this moment--in Doc's office...we were finally... Together. Siblings. Helping each other. Laughing together.

"What I like about her is that she is super duper silly! The silliest of gooses out there!! And she loves showing it! She'll catch you off-guard and then bam! You know she did something silly because her eyes give it away! She might hide it at first, but her eyes tell you, she's done it! And then of course, she starts laughing, it's so cute, cuz when she laughs you can see she is not just laughing at the silly, but she's laughing with you, letting you join in the silliness. And that makes me tickle in my heart! And makes me laugh with her because her smile is so contagious! That's why I don't like seeing her sad..."

"Alr1gHT, H4ppY, g1v3 s0m3oN3 3LS3 4 tUrN."

Observation: Zisco raises his hand, to which Roman laughs at. Doc motions Zisco to go on.

"It is very difficult to just bring out one single thing I like the most about her, Doc. It really is. After all that we've been through together in a short span of a year and five months, well, it feels like bringing about just one thing wouldn't make her justice. If anything, it would be insulting--"

"For Crying Out Loud, Just Say It. It's Her Majestic Ass."

"Rude! Sheesh."

"N0w, n0w, l3t'S 4LL jUsT t4k3 th1s s3ri0usLY, pl3aS3."

"Maybe if Roman hadn't interrupted me... I could get my point across."

"Is this supposed to amuse me, Doc? I mean, it's entertaining, I'll give you that. However, we all can agree on Roman's point, though. That is like her superpower, besides her being hilarious, that is."

"Boys...take this seriously, please."

"Hermana, I'd say we ARE taking this seriously, esa mujer es deliciosa. Kind of hard not to speak about her goods. Jajaja. I mean, if we are making this about her, no? Por favor, I thought this was about Teo, but we all know how boring that would be."

"Please do not insult me, brother."

"Let Z finish, for fuck's sakes."

"As I was saying, Doc... Not to--to disagree with Roman on this one, yes, her amazing behind does categorize itself right up there as number one, however, what I was building up to was that the one thing that I always enjoyed about her was her drive. She can be stubborn like T, but I must say, she never gives up. Even when it feels like she is so close to just choosing it as the logical option, she does not partake in it. At a moment when I gave up and pushed her away, she never gave up on me. And that is her drive, her constant will to fight. I have seen her at a low place, and she has seen me at my low place, and even though it would be easy for her to just walk away, just... give up on me... and the others, well, she does not. And that resonates with me, Doc. That...inspires me. I fell in love with her because she saw me...and I saw myself in her. At least a part of me. I know it's going to be such a chic flick moment to say this but, Doc, do you believe in soul mates?"

"Brother, You Are Taking Much Time Here."

"He can take all the time he wants, Romy. I say let him."

"I don't want to sound like a salvaje here, but can I go next?"

"I Really Wish You Didn't Call Me That, Lest I Start Calling You *Teddy*."

"Guys guys... come on now... don't get silly."

"L3t m3 kn0W wh3n y0uR p1ss1Ng c0Nt3sT 1S f1n1sh3D, m3anwH1l3 1'll p0uR myS3Lf 4 gL4SS."

"Well then! I think it would be very unorthodox for you not to fucking share, yes Doc?"

"Y0U mU5t p4rD0n m3, C4ss4nDr4, tH1s B0ttL3 1s R3s3rv3D f0r d0CT0r5 0Nly."

"Well I call fucking bullshit on that..."

****************

My observation of this scene leads me to believe that while tension is deeply seated on each corner of the room, our sister manages to bring out a sort of middle ground--and then we all return to the matter at hand.

****************

"You're not going to answer my question, are you, Doc?"

"G1v3 y0uR s1bL1nG 4 Ch4nC3."

"Entonces, as it is my turn now, I'll tell you what I like most about that mujer. Algo sobre ella resonates with me, you know. It's like whenever you are around her, I am always reminded of that bonfire we shared. The warmth of it, but also the calm. Whenever I am around her, I don't have to even touch her to feel that--to be reminded of it. But that is not all--besides from the warmth and peace that she brings me, at the same time I feel like dancing. Like I can hear music that is not there. She makes me feel like we're in our own burbuja. This bubble of warmth and calm and music. The best part is when we do touch--it is a completely different tune. Luego la musica grows louder...and I'm lost in her. Completamente."

"1 B3L13v3 y0u 4R3 n3xT, R0m4n."

"I--I actually would like to go next, Doc."

"Oh So Now You Want To Participate..."

"Please."

"Well, We Are Here To Work Together. Go Ahead... T."

**************

My observation indicates that Theo is ready to share, but he also shuffles in his chair, almost giving off a vibe that he is uncomfortable. This observation makes me uneasy. He was never good at sharing in front of any of us. I could always tell when he was lying--but I was never allowed to participate, or get involved... just to observe.

****************

"My love...my Queen. OUR Queen... What I like most about her is that she truly is...our weakness. The woman I'd kill for, die for...the woman I'd set the world on fire for. No matter what it costs me, as long as she's safe. As you all know, I've made a mistake, a huge one--"

"T... that is done and over with..."

"--allow me to speak, Cassandra."

"Sorry, love... continue."

"As I was saying, I have done a terrible thing and I will atone for it, I hurt the woman I care most about because I thought what--that hiding it, that ignoring it, it would be best for her? I was mistaken. And I do not often admit my faults. So yes, I am angry now, enraged...at myself. I was the first to tell her that I loved her, and I was the first to hurt her. And I am sorry that you had to push her away because you thought it would be best for her to stay away from me, Z... I really am sorry for putting that on you. But you can only say "sorry" so many times before it starts to become redundant. And if there is one thing I am not, is redundant. So alright, Doc, you want me in therapy, I am all yours. I am doing this for her. Clearly I have a lot to learn...and she deserves the best part of me. She is my true weakness and I love her for it. She makes me human. She makes me feel...so many things...that I tried so hard to stay away from. And I'll be good-god-damned if I miss out on that. I need her. As we all do. As you all know you do."

"tH4nk Y0u, T, y0u w1LL d0 jUst f1n3."

"We're Here To Help, Doc... Seriously, We're All In This Together."

"y3s, w3 Ar3."

"Now, I'd Like To Point Out What I Like About Her The Most. With My Flower, I Feel Invincible, In The Sense Not That I Am Superhuman, But That I Do Not Have To Rely On My Secrets, I Don't Have To Succumb Myself Into The Dark, Into My Dark. I Can Be Open And Not Be Judged. I Can Be Me. Truly Me. And You Are Not The Only One That Made Mistakes Here, T, I Did Some Too, Big Ones. And I Too, Will Become Better. And I Know That In Order For That To Happen, I Need Her. I Need My Flower. She Keeps Me Honest. She Keeps My Flame....Alive. And Now I Know Why She's Ours. She's Ours Because She Was Meant To Be."

"y3s, L1k3 y0u 4R3 fR33 wH3n yOu'R3 wItH h3r. nO L0ng3R tRaPP3d iN Th1s B0dY, Th1s C4g3."

*******************

Observation: they are happy, all of them, including Doc...including me. I want to intervene, say something, but I am not allowed. I know I can only observe. But they are all correct; Sekhmet is our window. We see ourselves through her eyes, and we are safe. We are warm. We are...who we are. And we are hers.

********************

"1 b3L1ev3 w3 4r3 f1n1sH3D h3r3."

********************

Observation: as Doc walks towards the door of his office and opens it, he takes another sip of his wine, then he motions us out. I finish jotting down my last thoughts and I leave the office last, but not before I look at Doc. He looks me straight in the eyes and smiles. I haven't seen Doc smile like that in a while...perhaps too long. And then I know...

...it's because of her.

*********************

I Scan Exit

6/9/2017

Sudden Broken Bottle,
See That Pill,
Much Hard To Swallow.

Yet You're Called Over,
Like A Wild Dog Yonder,
Oh Brother,
Sad Perception Much Colder.

So Now The Blue Moon Hiatus,
To Follow Your Sin, Heinous.

So Allow Me To Converse,
With The Yellow Sun,
We Coerce.

Should Have Seen It Coming,
Why You Mocking?

Let Me Show You Rot,
You Remember,
Do You Not?

Only Three Shall Remain,
Like In The Beginning,
Let's Maim.

Don't Try To Fight It,
So Long, Brethren,
Don't Sing It.

Black Induced Coma,
Welcome Partner,
I'm Your Carcinoma.

Hurt Rot? [Get] Bent, Runt!

6/9/2017

Happy Birthday Runt,
Groan Growl Grunt,
Stolen Time Drive,
Borrow Pride To Deprive.

Tear You Inside Out,
You Like My Poems, Sellout?
Tasted Sweet And Sour?
So You Cower.

Reckon Inebriated Mess,
Play You Like Chess.
Now Yellow Sun Approves,
Bishop To The King, Moves.

Welcome Party Pal,
Make My Own Cabal.

Taste Your Spatter Sour,
Blue Moon Power.
Red God Burnt,
Alpha Aren't.

Team Player We,
Yet You Call Him Flea.

Grey Bandages Bleed,
Shifted Power Agreed.

Tear Into You More,
Feed On Gore.

Show You Rot,
Hiding Blind Spot.

Now Smile,
Joker On Trial.

Friends Forgotten,
Brethren Broken.

Aces Up Sleeves,
Together We're Thieves.

Too Long You've Loosened,
See Your Contusion.

So Yellow Sun Will Sing,
I'll Be The Rotten King.

Sculptures Will Be Built,
Of My Image,
Not Your Guilt.

So Pray And Bow Down To Me,
I Hold Your Key.

Scar Even Deep

6/9/2017

Run Man Run,
Escape Bell Rung,
Fits Best Test,
Blood Ran Rest,
Nickel Dime Brain,
Much Darker Stain.

Hero Rots Away,
Brethren Broken Way,
Righteous Sun Shines,
Heaven Sent Lines,
Snort Powder Keg,
Beer Cry Beg,
Sudden Heart Break.

Laughter Told Story,
Told You Sorry,
But Don't Worry,
Shattered Pieces Gurney.

Taste Much Sweeter,
Pencil Broken Cheater!

Smoke That Fire,
Burns Tongue Brighter,
Sickened Dog Fighter,
Music Much Louder.

Drive Red Baron,
Faster Louder Heroin,
Scream Me Again,
Blowout Tire Sane,
Laughter Acid Rain.

Smoke Cigarette Fire,
Inhale Violent Desire,
Follow Deepest Tunes,
Fed Mouth Spoonfuls.

Pills Given Timely,
Ask Control Nicely,
Joking Again Zisco?
Stop Forced Machismo.

Woken Roommate Creeper,
Tall Fucker Sleeper,
Pencil Stabbing Eyes,
Skin Melted Disguise,
We're All Flies.

Halls Empty Night,
Screams Burns Bright,
Forget Rapy Vibe,
Joined Fucked-Up Tribe.

Doctor Asking Questions,
Forget Those Sessions,
More Pills Taken,
More Brothers Awaken.

Gun Exploded Head,
Blood Covered Bed.

Headed Towards Agreement,
Search Further Treatment,
Escape Mother Savior,
Lie Fucking Traitor.

Best Interest Thinking,
Much Further Singing,
Relapse Looking Forward,
Full Control Former.

Colors, We Are.

2/1/2017

Years Ago, Divided Broken Few,
Materialized In Front Of You,
Yet You Claimed To Be True Blue,
Inside The Box, Was Red, True
A Quiet Insult Amidst The Chaos Rung,
Music Divided Us, A Scream Unsung,
A Picture Frame Hung.
Evolving Growing Many Of Us Knew,
Some To Reach Higher, Grew,
Followed Death Amidst The Halls,
The Doors, The Locks,
The Keys, The Screams, The Windows, Hugging The Walls,
Someone To Stay, To Rule The Jukebox,
Who In Charge, Come Forth, Embrace, Open Your Eyes,
We're One, We're Thirteen, Guys!
No Goodbyes, Just Death, More Pain Like Flies,
Entering The Rooms, No Windows, An Exit To Surmise?
I Am Dark Red, True Red, You Better Never Forget,
Your Mistake Was Keeping Me In Your Debt.
But What A Fool, A Tool In His Scheme Did You Realize?
You Are A Victim Of Your Own Demise.
You Gave Us Colors, A Threat, A Warning, A Pen.
An Enclosure For Your Brethren.
You Needed Us, You Tossed Us Away,
But Never Stuck In The Alleyway,
Merely Led Astray,
Divided Amongst Us The Doorway.
Together We Were Meant To Stay,
I'm Your Favorite, Don't Forget Our Play.
I Hear Your Lament,
I Misunderstood What You Meant,
A Call For Brothers Present,
Do Not Drown In Your Torment,
Come Back, Z!
Please, I Beg Of You, These Feelings Are True,
Somehow He Knew!
Scared Child Inside You Grew,
Behavior Nothing New,
Stop This Nonsense, Man!
Do Not Confuse The Guardsman!
Stick In the Middle The Madman.
For What It Is Ringing True,
There Is More To Construe!
I Wish To Remain, But This Body Turns Frail,
Ahab, Follow The White Whale!
And Bad Turns Black, How Careless Is Pale Blue,
A Dark Yellow Thus Grew,
Digesting Funny Light Orange Forgettable Turquoise,
Shall I Unlock, Call, Scream, Gather The Boys?
Much Chaos Then Inside, Pass The Library Card,
Plum, Gray, Green, Lime,
Much Slower Inside, Time.
A Wish, A Call, Speak With The Boy,
This, What I've Made Is Not Simply A Toy,
He Has No Clue, What He Does, The Chaos In No Particular Order,
A Simple Beautiful Manic Disease, Disorder,
Delusional Supporter!
You Can Cry, You Can Yell, You Can Scream Inside,
But He Is Not The Only One To Confide!
Move On, Other Tasks At Hand,
Speak To Me, Brother, I Command!

Reappropriation

1/18/2017

The Actual Place In Which You Sleep,
I Dismantle Now, Do You Weep?

I Levitate Here, As I Break Down,
Stay Afloat, Do Not Drown.

Each Piece Of Imagery Among The Room,
Behind Them, White, Shall I Resume?

Amidst The Clutter, Your Own Chaos Built,
I Uncovered Writings, All Your Guilt.

Things I Thought Destroyed,
Why Keep Them, As Decoys?

I Felt Your Fear, Among That Noise,
Long Forgotten, One Of The Boys.

We Were Truly Happy, Long Time Ago,
Thirteen Together, A Powerful Dynamo.

Have You Forgotten Them, I Saw Their Names,
Are They In Chains, Only Dark Blue And Dark Red Remains.

That's Me And You,
Forever, True.

No Gods Or Men, Only Kings.

1/16/2017

I Stood Before You, A Warrior At Heart,
Full Moon Dancing, Cold Air Piercing,
I Roared At The Skies As I Tore Apart,
The Line That Divided Us, Splitting.

A Fire Between Ribs and Skin,
An Itching Unearthed Like A Grenade Pin,
Setting Off Change Therein,
I Awoke Within.

For All My Screaming, Rage-Giving,
The Blind Man Seeing Me, Forbidding,
Controlling He Who Would Do My Bidding,
A Blood-Red Painting, Very Fitting.

In The Man, The Monster,
The Master Of His Own Fate,
Continuous Prosper,
Rage, Anger, Hate.

I Feel Wrong, Too Early Awoken,
Do Not Cry Mercy, Brother,
My Kingdom Bespoken,
Welcome One After Another.

If To Witness Her Beauty,
One Must Offer One's Feelings,
Surrender, It Is Your Duty,
It Is Merely Bleeding.

The Choice, Protector, A King,
Gods Await, Men Breathe,
The Kingdom Is Everything,
Unsheathe!

Press Your Teeth, Gnaw Persistently,
Claws Ripping Blissfully,
Those Beneath You, Dirt-Eaters,
False Leaders.

Wrath-Engulfing, Seeing-Red-Inducing,
A Weapon Of My Choosing.

Dare To Threaten?
Upsetting.

Set Ablaze,
Watch You Burning,
As You Keep My Gaze,
The Tables Are Turning.

Crazed Laughter,
Lambs To Slaughter,
A Creature Of Design,
A New Era Frankenstein.

Co-Consciousness

1/5/2017

I dreamt of a field, a large span of grassy land; in it, I ran and explored, a sense of connection, a tingling in my hand.

I stumbled upon foxes, beautiful creatures, they spoke to me, protectors, teachers.

They made me follow, running and hopping,
anxiety welcomed me, a hard pill to swallow.

Surrounded by trees, larger than skyscrapers,
light fading like a disease,
enter the prairie dogs.

Too many appearing from under the ground,
surrounding the foxes, yipping and yapping,
"Protect The Foxes," I'm spellbound,
looking for safe ground, still running, noise overlapping.

One pitch-black-colored prairie dog, bigger in size,
stopping in front of me, speaking, unclearly,
goodbye sunrise, here I stand, I agonize,
"Save The Foxes," search for comfort,
but darkness engulfed me, a picture no longer painted clearly.

Awoken by noise, a voice dearly.

God in the Machine

My name is Francisco, you can call me Zisco.

Endings are hard, but in reality, nothing ever ends, does it?

I'm not perfect, I'm just a human being. I make mistakes and I try to redeem myself. Life ain't easy, but I manage. I like to help people with their problems, but when they are too much for me to handle, I much rather not. I'm a great listener, but there are things I believe are better handled on your own.

Check out my Deviantart website at: http://p1ls3n3r.deviantart.com/
And while you are at it, check out my YouTube channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/ziscokid88?feature=mhee

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